Tricky
Briefly immortal
Brilliant, Sou! But I don't think Shemp is his own religion yet. Perhaps he's a Gallupist.Soubrette said:Shemp: Rather than toss the coin I'd like to do a quick poll
NoZed Avenger
Penultimate Amazing
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2002
- Messages
- 11,286
Jesus was finishing an appeal to the crowd: "And let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
From the back of the crowd, a small rock arcs over the crowd and falls a few feet short of where Jesus is standing.
Jesus shades his eyes and scans the crowd.
"Mom!! C"mon I'm trying to WORK here; you're EMBARASSING me."
NA
From the back of the crowd, a small rock arcs over the crowd and falls a few feet short of where Jesus is standing.
Jesus shades his eyes and scans the crowd.
"Mom!! C"mon I'm trying to WORK here; you're EMBARASSING me."
NA
Tricky
Briefly immortal
I think this is what you are looking for, Sou.Soubrette said:
Nuns entering heaven
Three nuns died and were waiting outside the gates of heaven when they were greeted by St. Peter.
He said, "We have a new policy for nuns here. You must correctly answer a scripture question before we can let you in." This made the nuns very nervous as they tried to recall their teachings but there was no choice.
St Peter asked the first nun the first question: "Who was the first man on earth?". The first nun was worried that it was a trick but nervously answered, "Well, er, that's easy. It was Adam
And the choir sang, the horns blew and the gates swung open for her entry.
St Peter asked the second nun: "Who was the first woman on earth?". She nervously answered, "Well, er, that's easy. It was Eve."
And the choir sang, the horns blew and the gates swung open for her entry.
St Peter asked the third nun: "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?". The third nun thought and thought and with great dispair answered, "Oh my, that's a hard one ........."
And the choir sang, the horns blew ....................................
Next Joke:
Moses and Jesus were taking a little vacation from heaven here on earth. As they walked by the sea Moses said, "Gee, I wonder if I still have it - the power?". With that he walked over to the shore and stamped his staff against the ground and lo and behold the sea parted for him. "I still got the old power" he said. This prompted Jesus to try his power. He stepped out onto the ocean and promptly sank to the bottom. Moses pulled him ashore and Jesus said, "I don't understand. I used to be able to walk right on the water. Why can't I do it now?". Moses replied, "you old fool - that was before you had holes in your feet!!!"
Bentspoon
Three nuns died and were waiting outside the gates of heaven when they were greeted by St. Peter.
He said, "We have a new policy for nuns here. You must correctly answer a scripture question before we can let you in." This made the nuns very nervous as they tried to recall their teachings but there was no choice.
St Peter asked the first nun the first question: "Who was the first man on earth?". The first nun was worried that it was a trick but nervously answered, "Well, er, that's easy. It was Adam
And the choir sang, the horns blew and the gates swung open for her entry.
St Peter asked the second nun: "Who was the first woman on earth?". She nervously answered, "Well, er, that's easy. It was Eve."
And the choir sang, the horns blew and the gates swung open for her entry.
St Peter asked the third nun: "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?". The third nun thought and thought and with great dispair answered, "Oh my, that's a hard one ........."
And the choir sang, the horns blew ....................................
Next Joke:
Moses and Jesus were taking a little vacation from heaven here on earth. As they walked by the sea Moses said, "Gee, I wonder if I still have it - the power?". With that he walked over to the shore and stamped his staff against the ground and lo and behold the sea parted for him. "I still got the old power" he said. This prompted Jesus to try his power. He stepped out onto the ocean and promptly sank to the bottom. Moses pulled him ashore and Jesus said, "I don't understand. I used to be able to walk right on the water. Why can't I do it now?". Moses replied, "you old fool - that was before you had holes in your feet!!!"
Bentspoon
evildave
Unregistered
E
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.
"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just murdered a couple of priests."
What is black, white, red, and has trouble going through revolving doors?
A nun with a spear in her head.
"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just murdered a couple of priests."
What is black, white, red, and has trouble going through revolving doors?
A nun with a spear in her head.
evildave
Unregistered
E
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
"I'll give you a lift."
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and
disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption
problem all over the earth.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order
to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs
themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.
It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the
members return to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret
operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples
begin to return to heaven.
Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
"Who is it?" "It's Paul" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring
Paul?" "Hashish from Morocco" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring
Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring
Matthew ?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring
John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?" It's Luke" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Luke
?" "Speed from Amsterdam" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring
Judas ?"
"The FBI, YOU MOTHER ◊◊◊◊◊◊◊! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"
Jesus was minding the Pearly Gates It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.
As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"
"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."
"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"
"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special !"
With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."
As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"
Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!"
Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is, “What is Easter?”
The first blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful.”
“Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I’m afraid. You must go to the other place!” replies St. Peter.
Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question, “What is Easter?”
The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she’s wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is?”
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”
“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.
“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
Then the third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!”
Moses, Jesus and some 'ol geezer were going to play a round of golf.
Moses teed off, the ball went right into the pond. "No problem!" he
said. Moses walked over, parted the water, and hit the ball again.
This time it landed about one foot from the hole.
Jesus then teed off and the ball went flying off to the left, hit a
tree, then miraculously bounced within about six inches of the hole.
The 'ol geezer stepped up and teed off. As the ball headed right for
the pond, a huge bass jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth.
Suddenly an eagle swooped down, grabbed the bass and flew over the
green. The bass dropped the ball and it rolled within two inches of
the hole! All of the sudden, a worm popped up and knocked the ball
in. A hole in one.
Moses looked at Jesus and said, "You know, I really hate it when your
dad plays."
Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the crowd and then said: "Those amongst you who have no sin shall throw the first stone." A man at the back of the crowd yelled: "Jesus, you always want to go first!"
Q: Why doesn't Jesus eat M&M's?
A: They fall through the holes in his hands.
Q: What is this (while holding the palm of your hand to your mouth moving your jaw up and down)
A: Jesus biting his nails.
Q: Why did Jesus cross the road.
A: He was nailed to the back of a chicken.
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5 and
Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first
pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, Let my brother
have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be
Jesus."
A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's O.K. The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?" The stranger says, "No. Who are you?" The drunk proudly says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The stranger is skeptical, but the drunk says, "I can prove it. Come with me." They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christ—you here again?"
Four religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as Messiah, only as a Jewish
prophet.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith, only the leader of the Catholic Church.
3. Nation of Islam does not recognize either Jesus or the Pope.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store or at
Hooters.
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the
poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya'
tell me the dog was Catholic?"
There was a wealthy Jew (non-Christian) who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.
He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.
So the father placed his son in charge of the new advertising campaign. He told him that he would have no supervision and that any and all resources which he needed would be placed at his disposal. The son was elated and immediately set off to make his father proud.
Four weeks later the son proudly proclaimed, "I have finished!" and he and his father went out to examine the first product of the new campaign: a billboard.
As they drove to the sight, the son explained how he had been blocked until a sudden insight had leaped into his head. They turned the corner and to the father's horror the billboard portrayed Christ on a cross with the caption: "Even Then They Used Goldberg Nails."
The father explained to the son that they couldn't portray Christ on a cross as it might offend their Christian clients. Dejected, the son said that he would fix the problem and report back to his father.
One week later the son again exclaimed that he was "finished," and took his father off to see the billboard. Sure enough, Christ was no longer on the cross; he was lying at the base of the cross and the caption read:
"This Wouldn't Happen With Goldberg Nails"
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she
slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while
she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated
in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good,"
and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny
came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted
Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny Jabbed
her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick
that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
"I'll give you a lift."
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and
disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption
problem all over the earth.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order
to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs
themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.
It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the
members return to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret
operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples
begin to return to heaven.
Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
"Who is it?" "It's Paul" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring
Paul?" "Hashish from Morocco" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring
Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring
Matthew ?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring
John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?" It's Luke" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Luke
?" "Speed from Amsterdam" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring
Judas ?"
"The FBI, YOU MOTHER ◊◊◊◊◊◊◊! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"
Jesus was minding the Pearly Gates It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.
As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"
"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."
"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"
"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special !"
With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."
As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"
Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!"
Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is, “What is Easter?”
The first blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful.”
“Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I’m afraid. You must go to the other place!” replies St. Peter.
Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question, “What is Easter?”
The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she’s wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is?”
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”
“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.
“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
Then the third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!”
Moses, Jesus and some 'ol geezer were going to play a round of golf.
Moses teed off, the ball went right into the pond. "No problem!" he
said. Moses walked over, parted the water, and hit the ball again.
This time it landed about one foot from the hole.
Jesus then teed off and the ball went flying off to the left, hit a
tree, then miraculously bounced within about six inches of the hole.
The 'ol geezer stepped up and teed off. As the ball headed right for
the pond, a huge bass jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth.
Suddenly an eagle swooped down, grabbed the bass and flew over the
green. The bass dropped the ball and it rolled within two inches of
the hole! All of the sudden, a worm popped up and knocked the ball
in. A hole in one.
Moses looked at Jesus and said, "You know, I really hate it when your
dad plays."
Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the crowd and then said: "Those amongst you who have no sin shall throw the first stone." A man at the back of the crowd yelled: "Jesus, you always want to go first!"
Q: Why doesn't Jesus eat M&M's?
A: They fall through the holes in his hands.
Q: What is this (while holding the palm of your hand to your mouth moving your jaw up and down)
A: Jesus biting his nails.
Q: Why did Jesus cross the road.
A: He was nailed to the back of a chicken.
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5 and
Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first
pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, Let my brother
have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be
Jesus."
A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's O.K. The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?" The stranger says, "No. Who are you?" The drunk proudly says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The stranger is skeptical, but the drunk says, "I can prove it. Come with me." They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christ—you here again?"
Four religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as Messiah, only as a Jewish
prophet.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith, only the leader of the Catholic Church.
3. Nation of Islam does not recognize either Jesus or the Pope.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store or at
Hooters.
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the
poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya'
tell me the dog was Catholic?"
There was a wealthy Jew (non-Christian) who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.
He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.
So the father placed his son in charge of the new advertising campaign. He told him that he would have no supervision and that any and all resources which he needed would be placed at his disposal. The son was elated and immediately set off to make his father proud.
Four weeks later the son proudly proclaimed, "I have finished!" and he and his father went out to examine the first product of the new campaign: a billboard.
As they drove to the sight, the son explained how he had been blocked until a sudden insight had leaped into his head. They turned the corner and to the father's horror the billboard portrayed Christ on a cross with the caption: "Even Then They Used Goldberg Nails."
The father explained to the son that they couldn't portray Christ on a cross as it might offend their Christian clients. Dejected, the son said that he would fix the problem and report back to his father.
One week later the son again exclaimed that he was "finished," and took his father off to see the billboard. Sure enough, Christ was no longer on the cross; he was lying at the base of the cross and the caption read:
"This Wouldn't Happen With Goldberg Nails"
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she
slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while
she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated
in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good,"
and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny
came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted
Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny Jabbed
her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick
that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
Walter Wayne
Wayne's Words
- Joined
- Jul 26, 2002
- Messages
- 2,502
The test
The Test
And it came to pass after these things that God did test Abraham. And He said unto him, "Abraham!" And Abraham replied, "Here I am."
And He said, "Take your computer, your old computer, your 286; and install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, Windows 98, which I will show unto you."
And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass. He loaded his computer, his old computer, his 286, on the ass. And he took two of his young men with him and Isaac his son. And he rose up and went to the place where God had told him, there to find Windows 98.
Then, on the third day, Abraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows 98 from afar. And Abraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and load Windows 98 on our 286, and come again unto you."
And Abraham took his computer, his old computer, his 286, and laid it on Isaac his son. And they went both of them together. And Isaac spoke to Abraham his father and said, "My father."
And he replied, "Here I am, my son."
And Isaac said, "Windows 98 requires far more memory than a 286 has, how will it possibly run on your machine?"
And Abraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved; and he shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith and with unswerving trust and belief in the Almighty, he said, "Fear not, Isaac my son. God will provide the RAM."
The Test
And it came to pass after these things that God did test Abraham. And He said unto him, "Abraham!" And Abraham replied, "Here I am."
And He said, "Take your computer, your old computer, your 286; and install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, Windows 98, which I will show unto you."
And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass. He loaded his computer, his old computer, his 286, on the ass. And he took two of his young men with him and Isaac his son. And he rose up and went to the place where God had told him, there to find Windows 98.
Then, on the third day, Abraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows 98 from afar. And Abraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and load Windows 98 on our 286, and come again unto you."
And Abraham took his computer, his old computer, his 286, and laid it on Isaac his son. And they went both of them together. And Isaac spoke to Abraham his father and said, "My father."
And he replied, "Here I am, my son."
And Isaac said, "Windows 98 requires far more memory than a 286 has, how will it possibly run on your machine?"
And Abraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved; and he shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith and with unswerving trust and belief in the Almighty, he said, "Fear not, Isaac my son. God will provide the RAM."
Morwen
Reality junkie
- Joined
- Aug 14, 2001
- Messages
- 780
Things are slow in Heaven, and the apostles and saints are bored, so they go to God and ask him to let them go hunting. God is a bit shocked, but finally he decides to let them, since he can see that they are really bored and need some diversion.
"But be careful," he admonished them. "You know that at 4 p.m. exactly, the Holy Ghost, in the form of a dove, flies over Heaven, and we don't want him to get shot. So, at 4 p.m., everybody stop shooting, okay?"
"Okay," the saints and apostles said, and so they got their guns and went hunting.
They were having a really great time when St. Paul reminded them of the time. It was almost 4 p.m., so all of them stopped shooting, gathered together and watched in awe as a beautiful white dove, sourrounded by light, flew over them.
And suddenly there was a loud "BANG!", and the dove fell down dead in a cloud of bloodied feathers, almost torn in two by the force of the blast.
As they all turned in horror, they saw Saint Joseph lowering his still-smoking gun and saying, "Some things are never forgotten..."
"But be careful," he admonished them. "You know that at 4 p.m. exactly, the Holy Ghost, in the form of a dove, flies over Heaven, and we don't want him to get shot. So, at 4 p.m., everybody stop shooting, okay?"
"Okay," the saints and apostles said, and so they got their guns and went hunting.
They were having a really great time when St. Paul reminded them of the time. It was almost 4 p.m., so all of them stopped shooting, gathered together and watched in awe as a beautiful white dove, sourrounded by light, flew over them.
And suddenly there was a loud "BANG!", and the dove fell down dead in a cloud of bloodied feathers, almost torn in two by the force of the blast.
As they all turned in horror, they saw Saint Joseph lowering his still-smoking gun and saying, "Some things are never forgotten..."
Roadtoad
Bufo Caminus Inedibilis
evildave said:
Being a trucker, I LOVE THAT ONE!
How can you tell the difference between a dead lawyer in the middle of the road, and a dead skunk in the middle of the road?
Skid marks in front of the skunk.
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are playing golf one morning. The priest states, "We believe that life begins a conception."
The pastor states, "We believe life begins at birth."
The rabbi sinks his putt and declares, "Life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies."
Upchurch
Papa Funkosophy
Solipsist: The coin only exists in my mind.Keneke said:
Similar, but slightly different. I was refering to the "There is no spoon" line.
Roadtoad
Bufo Caminus Inedibilis
Capitalist: Coin? Krugerrand? Or Double Eagle?
