thaiboxerken
Penultimate Amazing
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2001
- Messages
- 34,519
Jesus stepped on a thorn...
"GODDAMN IT!"
And god did.
"GODDAMN IT!"
And god did.
Tricky
Briefly immortal
Two nuns were walking through Central Park when two burly men grabbed them, drug them into the brush and began to ...uh... assault them.
The first nun cried out, "Father forgive him, for he knows not what he does!"
The second nun cried out, "Mine does."
The first nun cried out, "Father forgive him, for he knows not what he does!"
The second nun cried out, "Mine does."
A man is an avid golfer all his life. When he dies and goes to heaven, he is thrilled to find out that it is a billion-hole golf course.
As he and St. Peter are playing a round, he sees a golfer in the distance about to attempt an impossible shot across 400 yards of yawning abyss onto a 3 foot green.
The man exclaims, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"
"He is Jesus," sadly replies St. Peter. "He thinks he's Jack Nicholaus."
As he and St. Peter are playing a round, he sees a golfer in the distance about to attempt an impossible shot across 400 yards of yawning abyss onto a 3 foot green.
The man exclaims, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"
"He is Jesus," sadly replies St. Peter. "He thinks he's Jack Nicholaus."
There's a Catholic priest, Protestant preacher , and a Jewish rabbi that decided to get together socially to further enrich their understanding the specifics of each others religion. Every Saturday these three would have a picnic lunch in baot out on a nearby lake. On one of these weekend outings, while the three were out on the lake, the Catholic noticed they were out of mustard. So he hopped over the side of the boat and walked across the lake to the nearby shore, grabbed the condiment from the car and strolled back in. As the priest returns, the Protestant steps out and heads to shore to grab the other bottle of soda they forgot to bring out with them. Well as you can imagine, the rabbi is a little astonished and perplexed at all of this walking on water. Perhaps being a little stunned and not thinking too clearly he declares that they need some more sliced turkey and leaps from the boat and promptly sinks below the surface. At that point the priest looks to the preacher and says "Do you think we should of told him about the rocks?".
whitefork
None of the above
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2001
- Messages
- 2,326
Rabbi and priest about to cross the street. Rabbi steps off the curb, cab comes by and knock him down. He gets up, dusts himself off and makes what appears to be the sign of the cross.
Priest: Jacob, what's with the sign of the cross?
Rabbi: No, just taking inventory - spectacles, testicles, fountain pen, wallet.
Priest: Jacob, what's with the sign of the cross?
Rabbi: No, just taking inventory - spectacles, testicles, fountain pen, wallet.
Tricky
Briefly immortal
God is talking to Adam in the Garden of Eden,
God:Adam, I know you are lonely, so I am going to make you a companion. She will be beautiful and loving. She will be your intellectual equal and your sexual ideal. She will take care of you, stand by you, believe in you, and cater to your every need.
Adam:Wow! sounds great! How much is this gonna cost me?
God:An arm and a leg.
Adam: Too expensive. What can I get for a rib?
God:Adam, I know you are lonely, so I am going to make you a companion. She will be beautiful and loving. She will be your intellectual equal and your sexual ideal. She will take care of you, stand by you, believe in you, and cater to your every need.
Adam:Wow! sounds great! How much is this gonna cost me?
God:An arm and a leg.
Adam: Too expensive. What can I get for a rib?
I found this on another message board.
A guy goes to a zoo and sees a gorilla with two books. The gorilla looks confused. One of the books is the Bible, the other Darwin. The guy asks the gorilla why he looks confused. The gorilla says "I can't figure out if I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother!"
A guy goes to a zoo and sees a gorilla with two books. The gorilla looks confused. One of the books is the Bible, the other Darwin. The guy asks the gorilla why he looks confused. The gorilla says "I can't figure out if I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother!"
An athiest skeptic is walking along the beach (as atheist skeptics are frequently wont to do) near a vacation resort he's spending the summer at; it's approaching sunset, and he's out enjoying the salty air, and walking over the cool, sea-shell littered sand. Suddenly, and inexplicably, a loud booming voice thunders down from the heavans.
"DIG."
The man blinks. Knowing he is alone, he wonders if it's his imagination, or if he's suffering from sleep deprivation without realizing it.
The voice booms again, louder and angrier. "I SAID DIG!"
The man looks around, startled to realize he is the sole target of the voice. Whatever the source, it's very threatening. Fearful of corporeal harm, the man immediately drops to his knees, and starts scooping sand away with his bare hands. After a scant sixty seconds, he notices a hard wooden object. His curiosity piqued, he slowly excavates the object, discovering it to be a large wooden strongbox, with metal bracings and a rusty old padlock.
By now, he's almost forgotten about the voice...but it returns, as deapheningly loud as before. "THE ROCK."
The man gives a nervous shrug to no-one in particular, grabs a nearby rock, and smashes the ancient, decaying padlock open.
"OPEN."
Not having to be told twice, the atheist skeptic (still not convinced of any paranormal activity, simply assuming he is either hallucinating, or is somehow suffering a trick from his resoruceful atheist, skeptical compatriots) opens the creaky old chest. Under a layer of fetid water, rotten fungus and decomposing plant matter, the man is rendered speechless at the sight of a massive pile of gold and silver doubloons, cut jewels, and fine jewelry, apparently of spanish origin.
The voice booms once more. "ROUTE 87."
The man picks up the enormously heavy chest, and manages to lug the strongbox to the roadside.
"EAST."
By now, the man is far too curious (and to a degree, afraid) to disobey the commanding voice now. He caries the heavy box down the highway, on foot... despite his excellent health and superior physique, the gold is tremendously heavy, and he is soon approaching exhaustion. His clothes are all sweaty and unkempt, and he is covered with sand and dirt from digging, and smells like fetid seawater. By the time he finally reaches the nearest city, it is well past nightfall, and he looks likes a miserable wreck.
"TO THE CASINO!"
'...okay then!' the man thinks, and wearily heads for the largest, most glamorous casino in town. Surrounded by hob-nobbing millionaires in tuxedos and evening gowns, he rapidly gains the attention of the entire building.
"TO THE CASHIER!"
This time, when the voice booms down, everybody in the entire building immediately looks up, quite startled and mystified. The man struggles to carry the heavy box the last few feet to the change counter, his last dregs of strength quickly fading. Nobody dares approach him, but every eye in the room is fixed on him, and he is unknowingly the recipient of their undivided attention. He drops the strongbox onto the table. The banker, wide-eyed and astonished, franticaly begins weghing and appraising the huge pile of treasure, and finally gives the ragged looking man a huge pile of chips.
"TO THE ROULETTE TABLE!"
Everyone lookes up again, startled by the booming voice. By now, everyone in the casino is following the man to the roulette table, their attention completely captivated. He puts the pile of chips on the table.
"DOUBLE ZERO!"
The man attempts to put the entire pile of chips on double zero; it forms a sizable pile, and the employee at the table eventualy convinces the man to simply write a small check and place it as a placeholder. Everyone in the casino holds their breath as the wheel is spun... nobody can tear their eyes from it.
The ball lands on Red 1, missing double zero by only one slot.
The voice says "DAMN!"
"DIG."
The man blinks. Knowing he is alone, he wonders if it's his imagination, or if he's suffering from sleep deprivation without realizing it.
The voice booms again, louder and angrier. "I SAID DIG!"
The man looks around, startled to realize he is the sole target of the voice. Whatever the source, it's very threatening. Fearful of corporeal harm, the man immediately drops to his knees, and starts scooping sand away with his bare hands. After a scant sixty seconds, he notices a hard wooden object. His curiosity piqued, he slowly excavates the object, discovering it to be a large wooden strongbox, with metal bracings and a rusty old padlock.
By now, he's almost forgotten about the voice...but it returns, as deapheningly loud as before. "THE ROCK."
The man gives a nervous shrug to no-one in particular, grabs a nearby rock, and smashes the ancient, decaying padlock open.
"OPEN."
Not having to be told twice, the atheist skeptic (still not convinced of any paranormal activity, simply assuming he is either hallucinating, or is somehow suffering a trick from his resoruceful atheist, skeptical compatriots) opens the creaky old chest. Under a layer of fetid water, rotten fungus and decomposing plant matter, the man is rendered speechless at the sight of a massive pile of gold and silver doubloons, cut jewels, and fine jewelry, apparently of spanish origin.
The voice booms once more. "ROUTE 87."
The man picks up the enormously heavy chest, and manages to lug the strongbox to the roadside.
"EAST."
By now, the man is far too curious (and to a degree, afraid) to disobey the commanding voice now. He caries the heavy box down the highway, on foot... despite his excellent health and superior physique, the gold is tremendously heavy, and he is soon approaching exhaustion. His clothes are all sweaty and unkempt, and he is covered with sand and dirt from digging, and smells like fetid seawater. By the time he finally reaches the nearest city, it is well past nightfall, and he looks likes a miserable wreck.
"TO THE CASINO!"
'...okay then!' the man thinks, and wearily heads for the largest, most glamorous casino in town. Surrounded by hob-nobbing millionaires in tuxedos and evening gowns, he rapidly gains the attention of the entire building.
"TO THE CASHIER!"
This time, when the voice booms down, everybody in the entire building immediately looks up, quite startled and mystified. The man struggles to carry the heavy box the last few feet to the change counter, his last dregs of strength quickly fading. Nobody dares approach him, but every eye in the room is fixed on him, and he is unknowingly the recipient of their undivided attention. He drops the strongbox onto the table. The banker, wide-eyed and astonished, franticaly begins weghing and appraising the huge pile of treasure, and finally gives the ragged looking man a huge pile of chips.
"TO THE ROULETTE TABLE!"
Everyone lookes up again, startled by the booming voice. By now, everyone in the casino is following the man to the roulette table, their attention completely captivated. He puts the pile of chips on the table.
"DOUBLE ZERO!"
The man attempts to put the entire pile of chips on double zero; it forms a sizable pile, and the employee at the table eventualy convinces the man to simply write a small check and place it as a placeholder. Everyone in the casino holds their breath as the wheel is spun... nobody can tear their eyes from it.
The ball lands on Red 1, missing double zero by only one slot.
The voice says "DAMN!"
a priest, a rabbi, and a minister find a stack of gold coins beside the road. They decide they should give some money to the church/synagogue and keep the rest - but they can't decide how to divide it.
The minister says "let's draw a circle on the ground, throw the gold coins in the air, what ever lands inside the circle we keep. Outside the circle we give to our churches."
The priest says "well, that sounds ok, but how about we throw the coins in the air, and everything that lands in the circle we give to the church and everything outside the circle we keep."
The rabbi says "well, that sounds ok to, but how about we throw the coins in the air, and what ever God wants - he keeps."
The minister says "let's draw a circle on the ground, throw the gold coins in the air, what ever lands inside the circle we keep. Outside the circle we give to our churches."
The priest says "well, that sounds ok, but how about we throw the coins in the air, and everything that lands in the circle we give to the church and everything outside the circle we keep."
The rabbi says "well, that sounds ok to, but how about we throw the coins in the air, and what ever God wants - he keeps."
thaiboxerken
Penultimate Amazing
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2001
- Messages
- 34,519
Two Jewish guys were walking downtown when they come across a sign that is in front of a Catholic church that says:
"Conversions garaunteed, $500 rewarded at conversion, $500 if we fail."
So one Jew looks at the other and says "Why don't you go in and get the money?"
So the other Jew goes into the church. After about 15 minutes, he comes out with a smile on his face.
"Well, how did it go?"
"I'm saved by Jesus and the Church, and I have $500."
So the Jewish fella says, "Well, since it was my idea for you to go in, you should give me half."
A scowl comes across the newly converted Catholic's face.
"I've been Catholic for 5 minutes and I already hate you ◊◊◊◊◊◊◊ Jews."
"Conversions garaunteed, $500 rewarded at conversion, $500 if we fail."
So one Jew looks at the other and says "Why don't you go in and get the money?"
So the other Jew goes into the church. After about 15 minutes, he comes out with a smile on his face.
"Well, how did it go?"
"I'm saved by Jesus and the Church, and I have $500."
So the Jewish fella says, "Well, since it was my idea for you to go in, you should give me half."
A scowl comes across the newly converted Catholic's face.
"I've been Catholic for 5 minutes and I already hate you ◊◊◊◊◊◊◊ Jews."
Tricky
Briefly immortal
Okay, I just wrote this one. Feel free to improve on it.
******************
Logical Deist: If I flip this coin I say it will land heads up because I am an optimist.
Taoist: The two sides of the coin are actually one.
Buddhist: Karmicly, you will be able to flip the coin many times.
Christian: It depends on whether or not the coin has accepted Jesus.
Moslem: If it a good coin, it will land among 43 uncirculated coins of the opposite side.
Athiest: Just flip the damn coin and find out.
******************
Logical Deist: If I flip this coin I say it will land heads up because I am an optimist.
Taoist: The two sides of the coin are actually one.
Buddhist: Karmicly, you will be able to flip the coin many times.
Christian: It depends on whether or not the coin has accepted Jesus.
Moslem: If it a good coin, it will land among 43 uncirculated coins of the opposite side.
Athiest: Just flip the damn coin and find out.
Upchurch
Papa Funkosophy
Matrix: There is no coin.Tricky said:
Upchurch
Papa Funkosophy
Troll: Anyone who believes in the coin is a lying m***** f*****!!!
Upchurch
Papa Funkosophy
Tacoist: You've got a coin? Let's go buy some tacos!
