The "Bad religious jokes" thread

[shemp]

There was this preacher who started a ministry. He had the gift of prophecy, and he sought out other prophets who also had the gift. His ministry grew large and prosperous.

One day, he became concerned after reading a story about pockets of cannibalism in Africa. He decided to do something about it. He said to his prophets, "I am sending you to Africa to convert the cannibals." He got together a planeload of them and sent them off to Africa.

Soon, word came that all his prophets had disappeared. As he was grieving over this, his accountant arrived with even more bad news. "Reverend, you have spent too much on this mission, and your church is now in the red."

The reverend replied, "Oh my lord, first I hear that all my missionaries are gone, and now my church is in deficit. How can this be?"

"Simple," the accountant replied. "The cannibals are eating up the prophets!"

 

[evildave]

A massive archive of bad jokes:

http://sickjokes.miningco.com/library/blrel1.htm

 

[Ladewig]

Moses's birth marked the end of an economic depression in Egypt. It was the first time in hundreds of years that the banks of the Nile showed a prophet.

 

[fidiot]

One day the apostles were having a party, and Jesus asked Peter: "where did you get money for all of this wine you're drinking?", to which Peter replied: "Judas sold something".

 

[thaiboxerken]

Jesus walks into a hotel. He slaps 3 nails on the counter.

"Have a place to put me up for the night?"

 

[arcticpenguin]

Bad religious jokes -
you mean like Jerry Falwell?

 

[evildave]

How many fundies does it take to change a light bulb?

"Why should we change a light bulb? The rapture is at hand!"


When will doomsday be imminent again for the Jehova's Witlesses?

When the debt they piled up from spending (and tithing) like there's no tomorrow for the last doomsday is sorted out enough that they can get more loans.

 

[Ladewig]

How many fundies does it take to change a light bulb?

"Why should we change a light bulb? The rapture is at hand!"

The thread seems to be focusing on Christianity, so let's broaden the scope.


How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want it changed into.

How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?[take1]
Two. One to change the light bulb and one to not change the light bulb.

How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?[take2]
It is the nature of light bulbs to burn out. Why does this bother you?

How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
For $5000 you can attend an introductory light-bulb changing seminar.
There you will learn that you have been changing light bulbs the
wrong way. Future, pricier seminars will teach you the right way.

How many Hindus does it take to change a light bulb? [take1]
None. The light bulb will reincarnate itself without outside effort.

How many Hindus does it take to change a light bulb? [take2]
None. We shall never find a bulb to burn as brightly as the first.

How many Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - because its a majical number.

How many After-Death-Communicators does it take to change a light bulb?
I can't tell you until you give me your credit card number.

 

[Watcher]

How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?
"You can't prove that the bulb needs to be changed, that's just your personal subjective belief."

 

[Bjorn]

How many redneck Christian country and western singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One two put in the new, while the other sings about the old one.

 

[Ladewig]

I surprised that nobody has thrown up the grand-daddy of them all.

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they are really one.

 

[Guest]

Q: How many intolerant skeptics does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Anyone have any Taoism jokes?

 

[MRC_Hans]

What do monks get when the laundry machine breaks down?







Dirty Habits.

 

[evildave]

Religious Poopy Jokes (Equal opportunity)

Moo Jokes

The Chocolate Ritual

 

[UserGoogol]

Here's a joke my programming teacher told me which is religiony in nature. Here is a retelling.

Okay, it was the end of the world and the fate of the universe was to be decided by a programming contest between Jesus and Satan, which was to be judged by God.

So they got to work on their code. They both typed away constantly without sleep or nourishment and they both compiled programs which they thought were worth the ownership of a fresh new universe.

So God came in, and the skies shook and lightnight fell and the screens went blank. God walked over to Satan first, and Satan turned his computer back on, and the file was gone. Satan managed to scrounge up an older program, but didn't really do so good. Then God walked over to Jesus's computer, who popped in a floppy and then ran a magnificient program. It was a graphics editor, it was an e-mail program, it was a web browser, it did all sorts of stuff, but without being bloated. So Jesus won the contest.

Afterwards, as Jesus's realm descended upon the world, Satan asked what had happened.

"Well it's very simple," God replied. "Jesus saves."

 

[Upchurch]

There once was a god-fearing old man who lived near a river. One day, while watching the news, there was a report of possible flooding in the days to come and the man prayed to the Lord to save him.

A few days later the raining began and the police went door to door, evacuating the town by the bus load, but when the police came to the old man's door, he sent them away saying, "The Lord will save me."

A few days after that, the river broke through it's banks and flooded the town in three feet of water. The sherrif came by the old man's house in a boat to evacuate him, but he sent the sherrif away saying, "The Lord will save me."

A few days after that, the dam up river broke and sent a huge wall of water towards the town. The old man was forced to climb up onto the roof of his house. The national guard came in a helecopter to evacuate him, but he sent them away saying, "The Lord will save me."

Finally, the house collapsed. The old man drowned and went to Heaven. When he got there, he asked the God, "Lord, why didn't you save me?"

With a look of disgust, God looked at him and said, "Look I sent you a bus, a boat and a helecopter. What were you waiting for?!?"

 

[Guest]

Why do nuns always walk around in twos?

One nun is to see the other nun don't get none!


Did you hear about the nymphomaniac that joined the catholic church cus she heard there was a guy hung like this?

 

[KillerBob]

Might as well toss in a classic:

Q: What kind of meat does a priest eat?



A: Nun

 

[Thanz]

How many athiests does it take to change a light bulb?

What lightbulb?

 

[Thanz]

Jesus, on the cross, in his waning moments of life, calls to the crowd below, 'Peter!' The apostle Peter hears the call and moves closer to his liege. 'Yes, my Lord, he says. Jesus calls again, 'Peter!' Peter approaches the base of the cross, 'Yes my Lord, it is Peter, I am here for you what do you need?' Jesus calls, 'Come closer Peter.' Peter is beside himself, wondering what the son of God might have to say to him alone... He climbs the cross. Jesus calls 'Peter, come closer.' Peter replies that he is coming. At last, Peter reaches Jesus on the cross, and says, 'I am here my Lord, what can I do?' Jesus says 'Peter? Peter? Is that you Peter?' 'Yes my Lord, I am here for you.' Jesus says 'Peter, I can see your house from here....'