February Stundie Finals

[Travis]

Howdy folks. It took awhile but I finally got the finals up for you.

So how about remember our last winner:

For the record, I am careful to use the word holohoax in complete conformity with the definition.

From wiki

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holohoax

...

I submitted the definition (to wikipedia) myself, and assumed that had been incorporated into the article. Check back in a few days, it should be appearing soon.
​

Lovely. Here is the virtual award.

And now February's finalists:


1) This reminds me that firefighters are always at house fires. Clearly we need to outlaw them to prevent more home infernos.

I hope you know that most people die because of doctors. According to statistics you have 1000x more probability to die in an hospital, than being killed by a meteorite, and in that alternative medicine stands with 0.001% (by way of talking, I don't know the exact figures by heart, but can look them up)

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2) Yes, the lack of commercials makes all the difference. Also there's way more comments which we all know are the pinnacle of human intellectual achievement.

u watch to much tv geek ****.

i dont watch any.......just youtube you idiot.

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3) I love it when the Stundies become Meta.

Did you just nominate yourself for a stundie?

im not sure what a stundie is.. but its a well written paragraph and needs more exposure

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4) The search for the article in the Constitution prohibiting black men from being President or official spokesmen of Banana Republic continues.

Unlike previous Petition challenging Mr. Obama's eligibility, Defendants do not require Mr. Obama produce any documentation of his citizenship. Plaintiffs will prove Mr. Obama is ineligible based upon the Constitution, the Supreme law of the land supported by ample Supreme Court precedent not addressed or before the Courts previously.

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5) Somehow I'm not reassured.

Trust me I'm a Chemical Engineer with an IQ of 121!!!

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6) We need to mine this "lighter than air concrete dust" for my new line of zeppelins designed for steampunk obsessed supervillains.

Concrete dust has no weight to cause an extra load on the floors below.
To the contrary, it is so light that it floats in the air, with NO weight
bearing down.

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7) I "assume" you are very bad at sticking to your principles.

I am a conspiracy theorist, mostly everything is a conspiracy to me. I live on what I know, I try not to assume. If I perceive the contestants on Jeopardy as suspiciously smart in answering questions, then I will beleive conspiracy.

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8) Yes, we all know that "ideas" actually come from the Quarries Of Imagination located in Shangri-La. Too bad their export tax is a bitch.

the attack against the world trade center was planned at least forty years ago. refer to the movie three days of the condor. the ideas for movies dont come out of thin air.

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9) I wonder how many of these adherents are named Steve? I wonder if any them can clue this poster in as to what "academic freedom" actually means?

Academic freedom is not alive and well in public schools in Oklahoma. By law, science teachers must present the theory of evolution and most mistakenly present it as fact. To their credit, some teachers tell their students about other theories on the origin of man, including the Creation story in the Bible and the theory of Intelligent Design (which has a growing number of adherents who don’t believe in the Bible).

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10) It's nice to know the business leaders don't panic when told about the end of everything but insist on profits to the bitter end!

if a mass extinction event were to happen do you really think the public would be notified?

I doubt it

there would be so much panic and chaos and people wouldn't go to work which would cause even more chaos around the money markets

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11) Only if the terrorists were capable of teleporting in new engines from their own dimension would this be important to know.

I didn't find any official statement about the type of jet engine found. Isn't that important to know? In order to match the engine to determine from which plane it came from and if it was an engine on the left or on the right side of the plane?

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12) You get an A+ for effort. Need anymore feedback?

But if you spend your time in here you presumably spent your time checking out wacky and off the wall claims. I have made one and I would like some feedback.

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13) Well duh. There are Decepticons up on it. Even the half brained aliens on our own planet know that.

The only reason the Moon is 400 times closer than the sun / 400 times smaller than the sun (so that they both appear the same size in the sky) and that one side of the Moon faces Earth at all times, is because the moon was artifically moved into its orbit around the planet by aliens. This answer should be blatantly obvious to anyone with half a brain and awareness that alien life is both everywhere in the galaxy, as well as in our solar system and on our planet. THe cover up is pathetic as it is grand in its scope. It should be blatantly obvious that the moon is both artificial in construction as well as are other moons in our solar system. This realization can be gleamed by any cursory investigation of the information at hand regarding our moon. It is unnatural and artificial in both its construction, its location, and its interaction with our planet, and mankind will either become overtly aware of this fact, or be slaughtered, in the near future.

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14) This alternate universe 9/11 where the buildings instantly crumbled into a heap when the planes hit must have looked really awesome.

Yep, now, do the math for the kinetic energy involved in the impact, and do the math for the heat energy released by the fuel, and then the heat energy for the resulting fires.

Hell, a bullet weighs about .25 ounces. Most people weigh about 140 lbs. Which translates to 2240 ounces.

So, a bullet weighs just 1/8960th of a person, and it will kill you. I wonder, how could something so small kill us? I mean, we outweigh the bullet MANY times over. But yet, I don't think you wanna stand in front of one, do you?

Completely illogical statement.
Does a bullet, which weighs 1/8960th of a person cause all the bones in the body to break and basically cremate so the body falls down into a lard ball?

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15) Conflating "gravity" with "atmosphere" makes for some interesting results. As does thinking that a lack of either will make the hammer fall faster.

One of the first tests they did when Niel Armstrong didnt land on the moon, was to show the many millions of viewers a hammer and feather test, apperantly if there is no or little gravity on the moon, then the hammer would have fallen to the floor faster than the feather, reason is this, the astronaughts have to wear very heavy lead boots to keep them grounded or they would fly away wouldnt they, well why didnt the feather fly away, that didnt have lead boots did it. think about it.

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16) That's right. We all come from storks.

NOWHERE is a "MAN" mentioned in a statutory definition that I am aware of.

Perhaps "human being" is.. but that ain't me, either. Human means "of man", and that ain't me.

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17) I'd like to hear more about this new form of Evolutionary Theory that apparently preceded Darwin's by eight years. Also how they hoaxed the pendulums.

By 1851, despite Copernicus, Galileo and Kepler no proof existed of the rotation of the earth.

The Jesuits were getting DESPERATE because without a rotating earth the theory of evolution falls flat on its face.

At that time a Jesuit named Leon Foucault "invented" a contrivance that supposedly PROVED the rotation of the earth.

The Foucault pendulum was just another Jesuit hoax like the Piltdown man.

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18) Amongst the people this would alarm are structural engineers.

The safety design of making skyscrapers collapse straight down would be something that would be kept hidden from the public in order to not alarm people.

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19) All things that are possible are now true? I should point out that there is no evidence that I am not really a particularly sophisticated Turing Test.

Four your information: My creativity is limited to the possible facts. The impossible theories are not mine. I know, that reduces my creativity! But it results in 100% true events.

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20) Pareidolia: captivating the simple minded since Ogk thought a tree looked like Gornk.

These videos show what appears to be fleeting subliminals in the smoke
coming off the tower depicting devils, demons, bin laden and even teddy
bears. There are other YT videos showing similar things as well.

 

[Nick Terry]

#17 did it for me - fusion paranoia and crank magnetism at its finest.

 

[Horatius]

But 15 is just such a confused mess of WTF????!

 

[Dog Town]

Holy bat guano! This is the best lot, since Ultima, or D'oh P. Seeing as how D'oh P. really never leaves. Many could be him.

Tough choices ahead. They're all deserving.


ETA: 13, 15, 19.

 

[Rolfe]

The hammer and the feather reminded me of Malcolm, but not so wacky.

Rolfe.

 

[Travis]

Incidentally I believe the hammer and feather was Apollo 14 not 11.

 

[Jack by the hedge]

Oh, wow! It's like a great big box of chocolates, but with stupid centres.

At first you can't choose where to start, and you can't believe how amazing they are but, after just a few, you begin to feel increasingly sick...

Oh, and it's definitely #15 or #17; each is breathtaking in its own way.

 

[Dog Town]

Oh, and it's definitely #15 or #17; each is breathtaking in its own way.

Yes, 17 is epic stoooopid!
Travis, if I could have a Dylan Avery*, I would include 17!






*AKA "Do Over"

 

[patchbunny]

Hard call. As a civil engineer I lean towards #18, common sense dictates #15, but as I had to move several 60# bags of cement off my garage floor, my back insists on voting for #6.

 

[TraneWreck]

1, 3, 7, 12, 15 and 17 got my votes.

Strong group this month.

 

[Travis]

Incidentally I believe the hammer and feather was Apollo 14 not 11.

Nope, I was wrong. Apollo 15.

 

[ihaunter]

1. Not only for it's backwards logic, but for making death by meteorite the new standard for death probability.

13. I think I have a soft spot for these artificial moon believers. Is there anything that's TOO crazy for them?

15. Is there anything in there that is correct. I guess Armstrong's last name is spelled correctly.

 

[Joey McGee]

13 wins because of the epic finisher!

mankind will either become overtly aware of this fact, or be slaughtered, in the near future.

 

[EventHorizon]

1, 7, 9 and 15 for me.


I couldn't bring myself to vote for 13, it just can't be real. Nobody could possibly believe that. It HAS to be trolling. I hope.

 

[timhau]

15. How can anyone not vote for something that starts with One of the first tests they did when Niel Armstrong didnt land on the moon?

If that doesn't nail down a specific time, nothing does.

 

[jargon buster]

I voted for 6,10 and 16
If I was pushed I would go for 6.
Although 16 isnt one of his better ones, grndslm has to be up there for his overall stundieism.

 

[JAStewart]

1, 3, 5 and 12.

 

[BaaBaa]

1.

I'm practically dyslexic (dysnumeric?) when it comes to math but even a cat who doesn't know what a whole lot of nines are knows that correlation ≠ causality.

 

[angrysoba]

#15 and #17 are the ones that made me laugh the hardest.

I think I'd go for #17 because I am sure the person writing it is serious.

On the other hand maybe #15 only looks like a parody. A brilliant parody!

 

[Andy_Ross]

15 and 17.

no, has to be 15. I like a good moonhoxer, or even a bad one