the elijah protocol

[corplinx]

Tired of being harassed because you are not a believer? Try the Elijah protocol.

When a believer is harassing you, simply tell them you will abandon science and reason for faith if they prove their God is the true God according to the Bible.

The basics are:

Elijah had a "one true god" showdown with the followers of Baal. They had two altars with strips of Bull for sacrifice. The pagans prayed, danced, slashed themselves, and shouted to no avail. Their altar did not light.

Elijah had a trench dug around his altar and 4 large jars (enough to fill the trench apparently) poured over his altar. He prayed and Jehovah sent his fire which engulfed the altar, the beef, and even dried up the trench.

The modern protocol:

Two barbeque grills and choice filet mignon.

The Believer Grill:
A bag of charcoal of the "light this bag" vareity is placed inside the grill. Four gallons of water is slowly poured on the bag. The filets are placed on the grill. The grill is then closed. They are permitted to pray but also shout, dance, and cut themselves as the pagans were permitted to do. The grill can only be opened once the divine power of God has lit the charcoal so the meat can be seasoned and turned.

The Scientists Grill:
Any charcoal of his choosing is placed in the grill. The Bag-Light varieties light easier but he may wish to use a more respected grilling charcoal to bring out the flavor of the meat. He is given a bottle of charcoal lighting fluid and a 3 unopened wand style lighters.

After 1 hour, both groups will have to eat their filets. No winner will be declared.

 

[headscratcher4]

Headscratcher variation on the Elijah Protocol:

Believer brings in child suffering from burst appendix. Places child on emergency room gurney, prays, moans, dances, cuts' self, etc. to bring in devine intervention to save the life of the child.

Scientist brings in child, calls in surgical specialist who can use any tools and medicines at his/her disposal to save the life of the child.

 

[corplinx]

Headscratcher variation on the Elijah Protocol:

Believer brings in child suffering from burst appendix. Places child on emergency room gurney, prays, moans, dances, cuts' self, etc. to bring in devine intervention to save the life of the child.

Scientist brings in child, calls in surgical specialist who can use any tools and medicines at his/her disposal to save the life of the child.

It loses the nuances of my method..... Jesus never had a "heal off" with a Roman doctor. Elijah had a contest and I simply update it to a more modern incarnation where one of the contestants eats cooked steak.

 

[headscratcher4]

Indeed, no argument with the method. I like it's straightforward biblical approach adapted to the suburbs. I mererly propose any number of situations can be constructed where an Elijah-like protocol could be employed and leaving believer hungry or even dead!

 

[farmermike]

I like it! Up the wager to ground beef and pork.

 

[TragicMonkey]

I once proposed a somewhat similar test to a particularly irritating neighbor. I suggested that I use science, in the form of my Honda Civic, to annihilate Mr Pickles, their very yippy terrier, and then my neighbors could use their magic god to bring him back to life. Oddly enough, they declined the test, content to let the debate Science versus Religion rage on without their input.

Although the proposal did have the most satisfactory result in that Mr Pickles spent much more time indoors until I moved.

 

[Brown]

For those who don't "get" what corplinx is saying, take a look at 1 Kings Chapter 18, in which an "experiment" (although believers call it a "contest") was undertaken to demonstrate which deity was the true one.

For some mysterious reason, this demonstation is not undertaken today, even though a result comparable to that reported in the Bible would surely swell the ranks of followers of the true faith, and would likely win the JREF prize.

 

[TragicMonkey]

For some mysterious reason, this demonstation is not undertaken today, even though a result comparable to that reported in the Bible would surely swell the ranks of followers of the true faith, and would likely win the JREF prize.

Not to mention greatly reassure Mr Pickles, in case of accidents.

For those who don't "get" what corplinx is saying, take a look at 1 Kings Chapter 18, in which an "experiment" (although believers call it a "contest") was undertaken to demonstrate which deity was the true one.

I have to admit, if I were a god, I'd light both fires, just to cause trouble. Or I'd light the Yahweh fire, proving his divinity...while transforming the other altar into a giant fountain of bronze monkeys pouring out wine, water, and fizzy pink lemonade to the strains of "La Cucaracha". The object would be to leave the audience under the impression that gods vary in temperament, and sanity, and perhaps the fact that they exist shouldn't be the sole criterion for worship.

I would also spend time shouting from heaven, in a booming voice, "Hey people! This is God! I do not exist!"

 

[Iacchus]

The Believer Grill:
A bag of charcoal of the "light this bag" vareity is placed inside the grill. Four gallons of water is slowly poured on the bag. The filets are placed on the grill. The grill is then closed. They are permitted to pray but also shout, dance, and cut themselves as the pagans were permitted to do. The grill can only be opened once the divine power of God has lit the charcoal so the meat can be seasoned and turned.

The Scientists Grill:
Any charcoal of his choosing is placed in the grill. The Bag-Light varieties light easier but he may wish to use a more respected grilling charcoal to bring out the flavor of the meat. He is given a bottle of charcoal lighting fluid and a 3 unopened wand style lighters.

After 1 hour, both groups will have to eat their filets. No winner will be declared.

So which is it? Science is playing the role of Elijah in this one? Then I take it the Christians (so-called anyway) must be the pagans.

 

[corplinx]

Re: Re: the elijah protocol

So which is it? Science is playing the role of Elijah in this one? Then I take it the Christians (so-called anyway) must be the pagans.

There is no Elijah. There are just two grills and two sets of thought. One set of thought says that under the proper conditions which have been observed millions of times and tested repeatedly, the grill will light. One set of thought says the grill will light by fire from heaven as it did before for Elijah when he was performing this same act.

Since, the science grill does not require kneeling, fasting, dancing, etc to pour lighter fluid and pull the trigger on a grill lighter doesn't mean those things might not happen out of pomp and circumstance.

However, since dancing, shouting, flogging, and self mutilation were allowed for the followers of Baal then those things should be allowed for the believers and the science grill.

 

[TragicMonkey]

Re: Re: Re: the elijah protocol

However, since dancing, shouting, flogging, and self mutilation were allowed for the followers of Baal then those things should be allowed for the believers and the science grill.

Now you're making us choose between the group that has fun, and the group that eats well. Is conversion at an opportune moment permitted? I'd like a world where people can have self-mutilation and a medium-well steak.

In fact, that'll be my campaign slogan.

 

[corplinx]

Re: Re: Re: Re: the elijah protocol

Now you're making us choose between the group that has fun, and the group that eats well. Is conversion at an opportune moment permitted? I'd like a world where people can have self-mutilation and a medium-well steak.

In fact, that'll be my campaign slogan.

The person lighting the science grill is free to dance about, shout, cut himself, flog himself, and even hand tenderize tubesteak if he pleases. As long as he actually pours the incidiery agent on the charcoal and lights the thing in enough time to cook the steak to his pleasing.