Ten questions to ask an alien

[The Kilted Yaksman]

... can you imagine trying to get the graphic card to woirk properly, or hunting down the correct drivers?

Being from a truly advanced society their graphics adapter would likely only support the Glide API.

 

[c4ts]

"Can you speak English?"

No. I don't speak English.

"Can you supply me with some hard evidence of your visit so even the most skeptical of minds would believe?"'

I have a sturdy metal pipe full of evidence. By the way, where are your reproductive organs located?

"Can you stick around for a little bit so I can have you meet James Randi and a few other people"

Who is this "James Randi" and what is his nutritional value?

"Do you happen to have some detailed history books of your civilization or an encyclopedia of sorts?"

I got a shotgun. It's advanced beyond your wildest dreams.

"Can I have a copy of your most advanced science and mathematical books"

Bo-oks? Never heard of them. I watch TeeVee.

"Could you translate those books into english"

I dunno. Can I shoot them?

"Could I hear what you think is the most beautiful music your species has ever produced?"

Sometimes we fart through our ears. I did that one time, sounded good to me.

"What is your interest with humanity"

I get drunk sometimes and wind up here, urinating funny patterns in your crops. I made me a big circle one time.

"How did you get here?"

If I could remember that, I wouldn't be talking to you.

"What can I do for you?"

Hey, wanna go pick up some new agers and stick drills up their noses just to f*** with 'em? And then we gonna tip a bunch of cows and take their skins...

 

[BS Investigator]

What is the meaning of life?

How can we become immortal?

Will the universe end in a big crunch?

Are there other dimensions?

Is time travel possible?

Is faster-than-light-speed travel possible?

How many other advanced civilizations are in our galaxy?


The list of questions goes on and on....

 

[Roadtoad]

Probably the only question I'd ask:

So, how come my pickup doesn't get better mileage?

Well, that and "Did you want a nut log from Stuckey's?"

 

[Tricky]

Whenever I see this topic, I have to post the link to the outstanding short story by David Brin, Those Eyes.

The scenario is that an astronomer type (think Phil Plait) is a guest host on a late night talk show and has to deal with all the UFO nuts who are calling in. But among his audience are the "aliens" themselves, except they're not what you thought...

"This is Professor Joe Perez, sitting in for Talkback Larry. You're on the air.
"Yes? Uh huh?... Well folks, seems our next caller wants to talk about so-called Ancient Visitors. I'm game. Let's pick apart those 'gods' and their fabulous chariots.
"Ooh, they taught ancient Egyptians to build pyramids! And golly, they had some of my own ancestors scratch stick figures on a stony plateau in Peru! To help spaceships find landing pads, right? I guess the notion's barely plausible, till you ask... why?
"Why would anyone want such ridiculous 'landing pads,' when they could've had much better? Why not open a small trade college and teach our ancestors to pour cement? A few electronics classes and we could've made arc lamps and radar to guide their saucers through anything from rain to locusts!
"... What? They were here to help us? Well thanks a lot, you alien gods you! Thanks for neglecting to mention flush toilets, printing presses, democracy, or the germ theory of disease! Or ecology, leaving us to ruin half the planet before finally catching on! Hell, if someone had just shown us how to make simple glass lenses, we could've done the rest. How much ignorance and misery we'd have escaped!
"You'd credit human innovations like architecture and poetry, physics and empathy, to aliens? ... Really? ... Well I say you insult our poor foremothers and dads, who crawled from the muck, battling superstition and ignorance every step of the way, until we may at last be ready to clean up our act and look the universe in the eye. No, friend. If there were ancient astronauts, we owe them nada, zip, nothing!
"... What's that? ... Well the same to you, pal ... No, forget it. I don't want to talk to you anymore. Go worship silly, meddlesome star-gods if you want to. Next caller, please."

 

[monoman]

Why did you come here?

We see wha you earthlings call “crop circles” and “pyramids”. We’s blown away. It’s impossible to for us to concieve how the structures was created, we had to come and check them out! (excusing my english)

We made them.

Really? I do’t believe you. I mean, I no you’re aliens to us but do’t you have to at least not live on earth to create something like that?

Huh?.

Sorry, where’s the pop idol studeos?

Jesus.

 

[Bronze Dog]

One question I've heard of was "Is (latest really big number) a prime?"

Problem with this question is that it has to be continually updated.

 

[Melendwyr]

Have you found a metaphysical question that makes any sense?

"Have you found a metaphysical question that makes any sense?"

 

[TX50]

On the other hand what do we do if we ask The Question and the alien
says:

"We were hoping you could tell us!"

 

[Metullus]

Long trip? Got pictures?

 

[c4ts]

I can see it now. 500 years in the future, an alien craft lands out in the middle of the desert. An occupant kicks the Pioneer probe out the hatch before takeoff. And that's the last we see of aliens.

 

[exarch]

(Hey, you got a cure for Aids, I won't give a rule8 where you're from...)

A cure may already exist, but the way developing and testing drugs goes, even if it's the real deal it probably won't be available for at least another ten years or so.
And provided the AIDS virus hasn't mutated too much by then so the drug is no longer effective against the newer strains.

[/derail]

 

[GzuzKryzt]

I can see it now. 500 years in the future, an alien craft lands out in the middle of the desert. An occupant kicks the Pioneer probe out the hatch before takeoff. And that's the last we see of aliens.

All right then. Apply for the JREF Challenge in 499 years.

 

[Spektator]

I thought the first question was always, "May I see your green card?"

 

[l0rca]

My question would be:

"Please don't kill me?"

I highly doubt an alien race would come here respecting our existance.

 

[clarsct]

Hmmmmmmmmmm.

I would ask it what a 'knee biter' is...

 

[Nucular]

Will you hold still while me and my mates dissect you?

What's with the goons in black?

Carl Sagan once noted that we'd be more likely to successfully mate with a geranium than an alien, which is a hypothesis I'd like to test - are you busy Friday night?

Do you like these shiny beads? Would you swap parts of your planet for them?

On our planet there is a Universal Prime Directive known as 'Finders Keepers' - I trust that given that I found you and your spaceship you'll honour that Directive?

Have you let Jesus into your life?

Is that a ray gun in your pocket, or... oh, it is.

 

[Alphaba]

Are you an alien?

Can you provide extraordinary evidence for that extraordinary claim?

What's this?

I beg your pardon?

A what?

Can you repeat more slowly?

How do you spell it?

Can you write it please?

Er... What time is it?

 

[Solitaire]

Late one night they came.
And I did ask the question, “Is there hope for Michael Jackson?”
Hopefully they’ll find the answer one day.

 

[delphi_ote]

Late one night they came.
And I did ask the question, “Is there hope for Michael Jackson?”
Hopefully they’ll find the answer one day.

If the Jews would just leave the poor guy alone, I'm sure he'd be just fine.

ABC News has acquired voice mail messages from Michael Jackson in which the pop star blames a Jewish conspiracy for his financial woes.

"They suck ... they're like leeches ... I'm so tired of it," Jackson told former adviser Dieter Wiesner in one of the messages. "The Jews do it on purpose."