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Scientific Comedy

The Almond said:
Once, a farmer was having trouble with his chickens. They weren't laying any eggs, so he asked a biologist, a biochemist and a physicist to come out and solve the problem. The biologist took a random sample of 30 different chickens from different farms and determined their weight, feather density, number of toes and eye color. She then applied a variety of multivariate statistical algorithms that she didn't fully understand, and then wrote 4 papers with contradictory conclusions. Due to robust sampling methods, none of the chickens from the farm in question were included in the study, although chickens from 2 neighboring farms were included.

Then the biochemist went to work. She did a full DNA workup of all the chickens on the farm, and then split them up into 16 groups of similar weight and feather color. In a simultaneous trial, she tested 4 different drugs with completely unknown pharmacokenetics and determined that the placebo effect was stronger than any of the drugs, although none of the chickens were laying eggs. She then asked the farmer to triple the budget so she could test a larger group of chickens and account for the apparent variation in toenail color.

The physicist then spent 20 minutes looking at one of the chickens. She scurried off with her notebook and a pen and spent 2 hours furiously writing down equations. When she finished, she went over to the farmer and said, "I've done it! I solved it! But it only works for a spherical chicken in a vacuum."
Click to expand...

Pah!

Should have asked me - clearly he'd planted the chickens too close together....

:)
 
How mechanical engineers flowchart a problem.

----------------- Does it move ----------

-------Yes--------------------------------------No

Is it supposed to?-----------------------------Is it supposed to?

No ------------- Yes ------------------------ No-----------Yes
|
| ............................. Don't mess with it
Duct tape................................................................ WD40
 
cwalner said:
One of my math professors, who specialized in Topology, once defined a Topologist as a mathematician who cannot tell the difference between his doughnut and his coffee mug.
Click to expand...

Topology wise a doughnut and the handle from a coffee mug are the same shape. The difference is that a coffee mug takes more effort to eat than a doughnut.
 
A cop pulls over a quantum physicist for speeding, and asks, "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?" The physicist shakes his head and responds, "No, but I know exactly where I am."
 
Two rats in a psych lab are discussing their day.
"How's it goin'?"
"I've finally got this guy trained to give me food when I press the lever."
 
Jeff Corey said:
Two rats in a psych lab are discussing their day.
"How's it goin'?"
"I've finally got this guy trained to give me food when I press the lever."
Click to expand...

That's mice, and it's not a joke its true, because mice are really super-intelligent pan-dimensional beings performing experiments on us. I read it in a book somewhere, so it must be true.
 
Q. What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an automobile mechanic?

A. A quantum mechanic can get his car into the garage without opening the door.
 
be-rational-get-real.png


[size=-3]Hotlink to my server.[/size]​
 
Ask a geologist what is 2 plus 2, he says, "between 1 and 10 - close enough".

Ask an enginneer what is 2 plus 2, he whips out his calculator, punches keys,
says " exactly 4 ".

Ask a geophysicist what is 2 plus 2, he says "what do you want it to be?"
 
Statistical version of Murphy's Law: If there is a 50–50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will.
 
A guy with multiple personality disorder walks into a bar. Bartender is tending to other customers. Guy says "Hey I want some service!" Bartender says "Shut up, I'll get to you in a minute!" Guy yells "How dare you treat me like that? Don't you know who I think I am?"

A chunk of sodium walks into a bar and orders alcohol. Bartender screws up order and gives him water. Sodium takes one sip and explodes.
 
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UnrepentantSinner said:
How mechanical engineers flowchart a problem.

----------------- Does it move ----------

-------Yes--------------------------------------No

Is it supposed to?-----------------------------Is it supposed to?

No ------------- Yes ------------------------ No-----------Yes
|
| ............................. Don't mess with it
Duct tape................................................................ WD40
Click to expand...

My dad's version of Mechanical Engineering 101:

"Son, if brute force isn't working, you're not using enough."
 
jhunter1163 said:
My dad's version of Mechanical Engineering 101:

"Son, if brute force isn't working, you're not using enough."
Click to expand...

Descending a bit out of the sciences, this is the equivalent of the mechanics' "Don't use force -- get a bigger hammer."
 
seen in a scenic shop:

Shop Procedures:
1 Cut to measure
2 Pound to fit
3 Bend when necessary
4 Paint to match
 
cwalner said:
One of my math professors, who specialized in Topology, once defined a Topologist as a mathematician who cannot tell the difference between his doughnut and his coffee mug.
Click to expand...
But what if it's a ring doughnut? Has his mug got a hole in the bottom?

My coffee mug has a broken handle.
 
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