Organisms That Look Designed

[WinAce]

Organisms That Look Designed

This is my (massively rewritten) takeoff on the design argument for God's existence. It's basically one big reductio ad absurdum. The underlying running gag is that all these organisms are staggeringly complex, hence designed--but they're all creatures that give Hollywood horror movies a good run for their money. Stuff like eye-parasitizing worms and zombie-mind-control barnacles. Things that, if truly designed, should make us very scared of ever encountering the designer.

This article is one of the oldest things I've written, first dating to 2002 (I think). In the latest incarnation, I add a huge number of new (really horrendous) organisms, add a large number of colorful pictures, take many more stabs at Behe and his ilk's logic, and so on and so forth.

WARNING: DO NOT read this if you're even remotely squeamish, as indicated above.

Suggestions, critiques and comments are still welcome. Thanks to everyone who sent ideas and links and such in the past--unfortunately, I lost my list of contributors in a reformatting, but you know who you are.

 

[Millionframe]

I liked it a lot, could've been littered with a little more insanity though. It was educational (ironically) and the descriptions and some of the pictures were truely frightening, I'm thankful I live in the US, far away from most of those TERRIBLE creatures.

 

[Quester_X]

Wow! Great article. I haven't gotten to read the whole thing yet, but what I have read is very funny and well written. As a biology student the real hook was getting to see the best of nature's horrors. In fact, some of the animals you listed, such as the Guinea worms, I was unfamiliar with. Always glad to learn something new! I've got to hand it to you. Usually, I'm pretty tough when it comes to gross biology pictures, but some of yours (the eye worms, in particular) got to me. Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed reading it.

 

[Zombified]

...zombie-mind-control barnacles.

I couldn't find these, but they sound very interesting.

Things that, if truly designed, should make us very scared of ever encountering the designer.

It's because we live in a world of sin, Ace.

 

[JesFine]

Nice work mentioning the candiru fish. There is no way a loving God created that thing.

 

[Riddick]

Nice work mentioning the candiru fish. There is no way a loving God created that thing.

Don't pee in the water. They have a nose for urine.

---------
Yea, and you guys blast me for mentioning rotten.com, stileproject.com.

 

[ceo_esq]

Hey, you forgot HIV.

Good article. However, William Blake had the same basic insight before you did:

The Tyger

Tyger, Tyger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies.
Burnt the fire of thine eyes!
On what wings dare he aspire!
What the hand, dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain,
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp,
Dare its deadly terrors clasp!

When the stars threw down their spears
And water'd heaven with their tears:
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger, Tyger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

 

[ceo_esq]

Don't pee in the water. They have a nose for urine.

WARNING: THIS SWIMMING POOL IS HOME TO A SPECIMEN OF VANDELLIA CIRRHOSA. GUESTS ARE STRONGLY ADVISED NOT TO URINATE IN THE POOL.

 

[neutrino_cannon]

I'll laugh when somebody cites this in an ID arguement.

Jeez, I like rotten.com way before people digging through Riddick's homepage found it there, I like the twisted!

Good stuff.

 

[Bottle or the Gun]

The scariest parasite I've ever heard of is one that infests snails and invades the brain, making them perch on top of leaves (forcing them out from under cover like they prefer) in plain site of feeding animals. It also causes swelling of the snails head. The parasite is white and green and twists its body around in the tranparent swollen sacs on the snails head, causing a strobe effect that further attracts a predator. A bird is parasitized when it gobbles up the snail and passes the parasite along in its feces.

 

[Brian the Snail]

The scariest parasite I've ever heard of is one that infests snails and invades the brain, making them perch on top of leaves (forcing them out from under cover like they prefer) in plain site of feeding animals. It also causes swelling of the snails head. The parasite is white and green and twists its body around in the tranparent swollen sacs on the snails head, causing a strobe effect that further attracts a predator. A bird is parasitized when it gobbles up the snail and passes the parasite along in its feces.

 

[Millionframe]

That snail parasite reminded me of Mad Cow disease, both should be added in later revisions of the spoof, methinks.

 

[c4ts]

You left out my perfect God-constructed wang.

 

[WinAce]

First off, thanks to everyone for all the great reviews! I had hoped I didn't make it too over-the-top or anything. Now replies to specific queries...

I liked it a lot, could've been littered with a little more insanity though. It was educational (ironically) and the descriptions and some of the pictures were truely frightening, I'm thankful I live in the US, far away from most of those TERRIBLE creatures.

(1) I'm getting some more suggestions for mind-altering snail parasites at such from the biology pros at the Internet Infidels board. Hopefully I'll update it again eventually to include even more zaniness. Of course, I'll not overdo it and try to show *every* nasty thing there is, just the highlights.
(2) Ditto... the Equatorial regions are not a very biologically-friendly place to be.

Wow! Great article. I haven't gotten to read the whole thing yet, but what I have read is very funny and well written. As a biology student the real hook was getting to see the best of nature's horrors. In fact, some of the animals you listed, such as the Guinea worms, I was unfamiliar with. Always glad to learn something new! I've got to hand it to you. Usually, I'm pretty tough when it comes to gross biology pictures, but some of yours (the eye worms, in particular) got to me. Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed reading it.

(1) I went for that angle (showing off parasites) on purpose; regardless of how scary they are, they're just freaking interesting. I had hoped the pics would liven up the rather drab old version of that article, which was text-only and much inferior in a variety of ways.

(2)The Guinea Worms are one of only a few organisms on that page which made me physically ill when I learned of their existence. I think I originally saw them on a Discover documentary a few years back. Loa loa does take the cake, though. Less long-term nasty side effects if you get rid of them, but THEY INFEST EYES!!!

I couldn't find these [zombie-mind-control-barnacles], but they sound very interesting.

Last entry--Sacculina carcini. The female barnacles have real-life possession tendrils which neuter and force crabs to care for their own egg sac.

It's because we live in a world of sin, Ace.

A good retort is "Hey, you reap what you sow, God."

Nice work mentioning the candiru fish. There is no way a loving God created that thing.

Indeed.

Hey, you forgot HIV.

Decided against it--although it's an utterly ridiculous argument, fundies often think of it as the just deserts of sexual promiscuity. I didn't want to leave them that juicy red herring to pick at while ignoring the rest of the article. Besides, HIV isn't the worst condition out there by a long shot.

Good article. However, William Blake had the same basic insight before you did:

As did Monty Python (whose song "All things..." I quote halfway through.) Darwin himself noted how improbable it was for a benevolent god to manufacture one of those killer inside-out devouring wasps, IIRC. It's a very good reductio ad absurdum on the design argument.

I'll laugh when somebody cites this in an ID arguement.

I can't wait!! I've seen it cited once before on the Christianity.com forums. Some clueless fundamentalist didn't even read it (instead skimming through the "complex this" and "designed that") and decided it was evidence for creation; he copied and pasted it wholesale. Those were good times.

Just for that exact reason, in this version I left the clues it's a parody more subtle. I removed the references to "heathen baby killing evolutionists" for example. It should be painfully obvious to anyone who doesn't skim through it still, though.

The scariest parasite I've ever heard of is one that infests snails...

That's Leucochloridium paradoxum. It was among the first suggestions at the Infidels board.

Originally posted by Millionframe
That snail parasite reminded me of Mad Cow disease, both should be added in later revisions of the spoof, methinks.

The snail, most likely. But is there something with Mad Cow disease that makes it "OMFG!!" as opposed to just "Ewwww"?

 

[Scot C. Trypal]

Very nice.

How about Toxoplasma gondii, the parasite that makes rats live on the wild side?

 

[Fidelio]

[fundie hat] God works in mysterious ways [/fundie hat]

Excellent parody Win Ace! Though the mental gymnastics needed to be a creationist are easily able to vault over this one.

One suggestion if I may on the "incompetence of GWB" thingey. You may want to re think that on the outside chance that someone who's a GWB supporter and on the fence be turned off immediately. (Not that it ain't true IMO)

"You can catch more wasps with sexy flowers than political jabs"

 

[Scot C. Trypal]

Though the mental gymnastics needed to be a creationist are easily able to vault over this one.

How about in Eden? Is the opinion that these nasty creatures were there, just somehow better behaved, or that they evolved (or popped into being) after the fall?

 

[Fidelio]

How about in Eden? Is the opinion that these nasty creatures were there, just somehow better behaved, or that they evolved (or popped into being) after the fall?

[fundie hat]

1) Better behaved is a possibility as is

2) Were perverted by Satan and in any case it don't matter 'cause

3) God works in mysterious ways...so there. [/fundie hat]

Is my Baptist upbringing showing?

 

[WinAce]

Very nice.

How about Toxoplasma gondii, the parasite that makes rats live on the wild side?

Thanks for the link. Interesting parasite. I might use it in the future.

Excellent parody Win Ace! Though the mental gymnastics needed to be a creationist are easily able to vault over this one.

I know. This is more of a subtle "slip into your mind and slowly make you think about stuff" article rather than one which should have immediate effects. In the long run, I believe, even creationists are vulnerable to the sheer weight of evidence or one well-placed shock.

One suggestion if I may on the "incompetence of GWB" thingey. You may want to re think that on the outside chance that someone who's a GWB supporter and on the fence be turned off immediately.

Yeah, I should probably remove that. But what do I replace it with?

How about in Eden? Is the opinion that these nasty creatures were there, just somehow better behaved, or that they evolved (or popped into being) after the fall?

I actually just had a creationist try that with me on BlizzForums! Here was my reply:

"Nice try. But tell me, without invoking evolution, how does a previously-harmless Guinea Worm (to name but one example) learn to infiltrate humans, reproduce in their bloodstream, cause a painful ulcer, induce the victim to find water, and break out of the skin, sending its embryos back into the lake (only to be eaten by tiny crustaceans, develop into second-stage infective larvae and return to humans who drink infested water)?

How does a previously-harmless Rabies virus learn to induce its victim to subtle physiological and psychological changes like restlessness, aggressiveness, increased saliva production, and many other symptoms that are required for its spreading further?

How would a non-parasitic tapeworm exist, especially since they lack an independently functional digestive ability? You can't simply appeal to "they lost the ability to live freely after the Fall." While they can't digest stuff independently of a host, they also have equally complex features other, free-living worms lack--parasitic adaptations like the hook-filled scolex. Contrary to what AiG may tell you, parasites are practically never merely slimmed-down versions of benign organisms--they have special needs of their own, which invariably get filled with equivalently complex structures as they lost.

You (or any creationists) basically have two options here. The first is to concede that God created a fairly grotesque assortment of parasites specifically designed to cause a great deal of gratuitous suffering to both people and animals. Look up the symptoms of Bancroftian filariasis, for example. The second is to concede that changes wraught by mutation and natural selection are capable of producing complex, multipart "irreducibly grotesque" adaptations from earlier benign ones, which pretty much destroys any apologetic value of the design argument. Take your pick "

 

[Silicon]

Very enjoyable to someone who marvels at nature's wonders. There is a terrible beauty to this, as horrible as it is to contemplate.


Here's the deal...

I would enjoy this more if it were a straight parody, OR if it were a straight instructional tool on how the wheels fall off the ID wagon.

I would drop the "I hope an id proponent mistakes this for real and starts to use it" approach.

Much MUCH cooler would be if you were using it as a creationist argument that GOD IS EVIL! REALLY REALLY EVIL! Heheh.


But COOLER STILL would be if you wrote it as a serious lesson in where ID fails, just as you explained it to the creationist in your post on BlizzForums.