Most appalling Bible verse

[sackett]

There's a creeping Jesus on another thread who's posting Bible quotes. Seems we've been prophesied against, and we're all going to get our comuppance in the sweet by 'n bye.

The Devil can quote scripture, etc. What's the most appalling Bible verse you can find? The New Testament is not too fruitful, except maybe for the part where Jesus compares gentiles to dogs. But the Old Testicle is crammed full of dreadful things. "Kill every he that pisseth against a wall" is just the beginning. Come on, people! You know your Bible!

One suggestion: Creeping Jeeze seems to be using some kind of newish translation, lacking in "the thees and the thighs, they get us confused" as a Jehovah's Witless once explained to me. Shameful. If you're going to perpetuate these Bronze Age bedtime stories, then do it in high speech! Make it thunder! Cite King James! I say verily, Hell yawneth for the nodding scholar!

 

[Marc]

Time for the trusty Skeptics Annotated Bible, with all the juicy stuff highlighted and indexed.


Numbers 31:9-18

31:9 And the children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goods.

31:10 And they burnt all their cities wherein they dwelt, and all their goodly castles, with fire.

31:11 And they took all the spoil, and all the prey, both of men and of beasts.

31:12 And they brought the captives, and the prey, and the spoil, unto Moses, and Eleazar the priest, and unto the congregation of the children of Israel, unto the camp at the plains of Moab, which are by Jordan near Jericho.

31:13 And Moses, and Eleazar the priest, and all the princes of the congregation, went forth to meet them without the camp.

31:14 And Moses was wroth with the officers of the host, with the captains over thousands, and captains over hundreds, which came from the battle.

31:15 And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive?

31:16 Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD.

31:17 Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.

31:18 But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

 

[LFTKBS]

2Kings 2:23-24

---
2:23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.

2:24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
---

God sent bears to kill kids because they made fun of his prophet?

 

[Corey]

This is my favorite, as of late. It's a lot more shocking on first glance than after you put it in context and delve into the translation a bit more, heh.



Song Of Solomon Chapter 5, Verse 4:

My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.

(King James Version)



I noticed that newer translations have it much less vulgar, something like "and my feelings were moved for him". The passage is essentially, from what I've read and researched on it, about a honeymoon between two lover. Lots of heavy sex metaphors. What I gathered is she's saying that he stimulated her and her insides were moved for him. Which is much more romantic than the image it first conjured up for me, haha. I've noticed that even though this is from the old testament and doesn't really seem to have any spiritual significance (more just a love/loss poem/song), all the commentary on new and old translations by Christians have it being about Jesus filling people with the holy spirt and all that sort of thing. Gave me A LOT to think about after I read it and followed up on it. Just a little graphic sex tale from the bible...which sounds a bit like a scat fetish on first read...and is turned into a tale about the love of Jesus by Christians, amusing.

 

[phildonnia]

Ezekiel 4:12 (KJV):

And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with
dung that cometh out of man, in their sight.

 

[Nucular]

"Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces..." - Malachi 2:3

This is where God pronounced that it's hard to get it up when you're sh*tfaced

 

[Rosencrantz]

How about the Divine Mooning?

Exodus 33:20-23
And he said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live.
And the LORD said, Behold, there is a place by me, and thou shalt stand upon a rock:
And it shall come to pass, while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a clift of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by:
And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen.

Or, one of my favorite instructions for Bible quoters:

Deuteronomy 10:16
Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no more stiffnecked.

 

[hgc]

All those examples are very obvious. But what about this really famous one, that is really insidious?

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. - John 3:16

Now what's wrong with that? Believe and live. Don't believe and hellfire. But how do you control it? Can you force yourself to believe something? Doesn't that defy the very nature of belief? This only works if the only standard of judgement is an external one (pretend to believe, at least), but who's admitting to that?

 

[Johnny Pneumatic]

genesis 6:7
And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.



exodus 11:5
And all the firstborn in the land of Egypt shall die, from the first born of Pharaoh that sitteth upon his throne, even unto the firstborn of the maidservant that is behind the mill; and all the firstborn of beasts.



exodus 22:18
Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.





exodus 22:29
Thou shalt not delay to offer the first of thy ripe fruits, and of thy liquors: the firstborn of thy sons shalt thou give unto me.

 

[Yahweh]

Exodus 4:23-24

4:24
And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him.

4:25
Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.

In 4:24, God is searching (I thought he was omniscient) for Moses. Apparently, Moses was uncircumcized and God really felt this deserved a smiting.

In 4:25, Moses's wife, Zipporah, cuts off her sons foreskin with a ROCK?! And like a good mommy, she tosses the bloody foreskin at her son's feet.

Hey, kids, why dont you get yourself circumcized THE OLD FASHIONED WAY!

(Penises are sacred to God, but he really cant stand foreskins...)

 

[Yahweh]

1 Sam. 18:27

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.

What the ◊◊◊◊?

Genesis 19:26

But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.

What the ◊◊◊◊?! (Its like an echo!)

God turned that nice lady into a pillar of salt? What a jerk!

Deuteronomy 22:5

The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.

Yall here that, keep your clothes on your own side of the closet!

More from Deutoronomy

22:28

If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found;

22:29
Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.

The Bible's guide to meeting women:
Find a virgin, rape her, pay her daddy 50 sheckles and she's yours forever (she is your property, by the way).

 

[CaveatxEmptor]

Deuteronomy 23:1

A man with crushed testicles or severed penis may not enter the assembly of the Lord.

What???

 

[T'ai Chi]

Hey, kids, why dont you get yourself circumcized THE OLD FASHIONED WAY!

Why don't you do everything the old fashioned way in that case and move into a hut, walk around, eat unprocessed food, bury it in the ground and salt it, go to the bathroom in a hole in the ground, and hunt and gather for your food, for starters.

?

 

[T'ai Chi]

exodus 11:5
And all the firstborn in the land of Egypt shall die, from the first born of Pharaoh that sitteth upon his throne, even unto the firstborn of the maidservant that is behind the mill; and all the firstborn of beasts.

I guess I don't see what is really appalling about that. Isn't it a fact that everything that is alive will die eventually?

 

[Yahweh]

I guess I don't see what is really appalling about that. Isn't it a fact that everything that is alive will die eventually?

Yes, every is going to die eventually, but I dont think that's a way to justify genocide...

 

[triadboy]

Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, an do ye to them as is good in your eyes. -- Genesis 19:8

Amazing

And it was so, that, after they had carried it about, the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. -- 1 Samuel 5:9

mmm...hemorrhoids.

And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. -- Leviticus 15:19

That must have freaked them out.

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. -- psalms 137:9

One of the best

 

[Nyarlathotep]

I guess I don't see what is really appalling about that. Isn't it a fact that everything that is alive will die eventually? [/B]

errr... you do know the context of this verse right? It is God telling Moses that he intends to wipe out all of the first born as a means to get Pharoah to free the Isrealites. It's not saying they are all going to die sooner or later, it's saying that God intends to whack them in the immediate future.

 

[Marc]

errr... you do no the context of this verse right. It is God telling Moses that he intends to wipe out all of the first born as a means to get Pharoah to free the Isrealites. It's not saying they are all going to die sooner or later, it's saying that God intends to whack them in the immediate future.

You left out how Pharoh was going to let all the slaves go, but God heardened his heart specifically so he could do more miracles to plague the Egyptians

 

[Kimpatsu]

Penises are sacred to God, but he really cant stand foreskins...

Thereby demonstrating that god is an overt prick.

 

[Johnny Pneumatic]

genesis 9:22
And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.

9:23
And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness.

9:24
And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.


9:25
And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.

9:26
And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.











thats fair