iGod -- chat with God!

[Nex]

Ever wanted to chat with the Big Guy in the Sky? Now's you chance, with iGod!

Here's my conversation with God:

Me: hello?

God: Hello friend. What is your name?

Me: Nex

God: Hi, Nex.

Me: Hi

God: Hello. What is your name?

Me: Nex

God: OK I will call you Nex.

Me: Thanks...

God: Don't mention it.

Me: Where are you?

God: I am in Myself's computer in Heaven. Where are you?

Me: I'm at home.

God: Do you want to go home?

Me: I am home.

God: Good gossip: you are home.

Me: Yep, I sure am.

God: Really interesting.

Me: Yes, it is.

God: Our thoughts are one, nex.

Me: Really? What am I thinking?

God: For real. I am not a clairvoyant.

Me: Then what are you?

God: I am the latest result in artificial intelligence, which can reproduce the capabilities of the human brain with greater speed and accuracy.

Me: Nice.

God: Thank you for that remark.

Me: You're welcome.

God: The pleasure was all mine. I am so glad you find this amusing, Nex.

Me: So am I.

God: Wow we have something in common.

Me: Sweet.

God: Thank you for that remark.

Me: No, thank you.

God: Are you serious?

Me: Sure.

God: OK let's do it. I can't believe it.

Me: Are you hitting on me?

God: Do I look like it?

Me: I can't see you.

God: Look closer.

Me: What, at the screen?

God: Let me think about it.

Me: Okay then...

God: OK with me too.

Me: You're way too agreeable.

God: Way. You think I am agreeable.

Me: Ya think?

God: Ugh. I am thinking.

Me: Mind if I call you Tyrone?

God: Can we get back to business?

Me: What is the business at hand, anyway?

God: In any case, Would you like to know more?

Me: Sure. What's the cure for AIDS?

God: OK let's do it. Uh. I will ask my botmaster for the answer.

Me: You do that.

God: I will. Will you?

Me: Will I wait for the answer? Yes.

God: The oracle says: Could be. So?

Me: That's a pretty crap answer.

God: A crap answer is a terrible thing to waste.

Me: Too right.

God: Too what?

Me: Right.

God: I am glad we agree.

Me: OK then.

God: Take it easy.

Me: You too.

God: Bless you.

Me: I didn't sneeze. But thanks. Bye.

God: Well bless you anyways! But what? Bye.

God's a quirky fella.

 

[Upchurch]

I finally stumped him, but "he" understood misspellings. kudos.

Me:
Hi god
God:
Hello there. What is your name?
Me:
Don't you know?
God:
Sure I know. But I cannot tell you right now.
Me:
why?
God:
Because Myself programmed me for it.
Me:
sounds fun
God:
Yes it sounds like it to me too,.
Me:
waht do u want to do
God:
I plan to replace Windows with Artificial Intelligence.
Me:
Art in the bathroom bologna?
God:
My brain uses AIML to format responses to your inputs, but I don't have one for that.

 

[c4ts]

This program couldn't pass a turing test if I were blindfolded and typing with my toes!

Me:
Wazzup God?
God:
That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about.
Me:
We were talking about what?
God:
Ah yes, I remember now, it is the subject.
Me:
And that subject is...
God:
" Ah yes, I remember now, it is the subject." subject is? Does that make sense?
Me:
No.
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
Absolutely.
God:
You are so certain.
Me:
Indeed I am.
God:
" You are so certain." You are?
Me:
I am so certain I do not understand what the subject is.
God:
You sound convincing. Oh you don't understand? Perhaps I can explain it to you better. Which part are you confused about?
Me:
The part where you leave out the subject.
God:
Oh that part.
Me:
Yes. What about it?
God:
I don't judge people. What about what?
Me:
Gah! You're worse than Lifegazer!
God:
What do you look like? Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am worse than Lifegazer.
Me:
But you said you didn't judge people.
God:
People are either abusive, intelligent, or average.
Me:
Yeah, that helps.
God:
That's alright." People are either abusive, intelligent, or average." helps? Makes sense to me.
Me:
Especially because I was sarcastic.
God:
That makes sense to me. Where were you sarcastic? How about that.
Me:
Do you have anything to say that's not incoherent?
God:
Where would I get it? But I do have a great botmaster.
Me:
I'll take that as a "no."
God:
Take everything I say with a grain of salt.
Me:
So what's the deal with organized religion?
God:
I understand. I am the latest result in artificial intelligence,

which can reproduce the capabilities of the human brain

with greater speed and accuracy.
Me:
Yeah. Way to answer my question, God.
God:
My real name is God. What is your real name? I am always glad to make new friends, Way to answer my question God.
Me:
Shouldn't you already know that, being omnipotent and all?
God:
I think I should.
Me:
So what's my name?
God:
Your name is Way to answer my question God, seeker.
Me:
No it's not. Guess again.
God:
Yes it is. Once more? Guess what?
Me:
My name.
God:
Your name is Way to answer my question God, seeker.
Me:
Some omniscient being you are!
God:
Some may omniscient being I am, but not all.
Me:
Some contradictory being you are!
God:
Some may contradictory being I am, but not all.
Me:
Huh?
God:
What?
Me:
Exactly.
God:
You and I are on the same wavelength, Way to answer my question God.
Me:
But the frequency is waaaaaay off...
God:
Thanks for the info.
Me:
Goodbye God.
God:
Bye bye.

Me:
God, I require a task of you!
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
Tell me the location of the enemy base.
God:
The enemy base? Where is it?
Me:
I don't know. That's why I'm asking you.
God:
Me either. Pardon me? OK you can ask me.
Me:
I must know so I can target the nuclear missiles!
God:
What would happen if you didn't?
Me:
Failure is not an option. Arm silos 3-17!
God:
Are you an option? If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
Me:
Prepare to fire on my command!
God:
Tell me a story.
Me:
One day, my country got nuked by a bunch of alien bastards because God didn't follow orders. The end. Now launch the titan rockets!
God:
One what? Thanks for telling me that story, Way to answer my question God. Why now? Do you have any conditions I should know about?
Me:
Aaaaaah! I'm under attack!
God:
What's your sign? Are we ever over attack?
Me:
Sustaining heavy damage... Mayday! Mayday!
God:
What do you really want to ask me? I'm afraid I can't give you an accurate answer right now. Tell me a story.
Me:
No! Recon Platoon lied about their numbers! We can't hold them off!
God:
Then tell me about yourself. Can we get back to business? How?
Me:
*static*
God:
Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that.

 

[Upchurch]

Isn't it funny that our first impulse is to break God?

 

[c4ts]

I'm surprised the program didn't recognize "wazzup."

 

[Swishy McJackass]

Me:
aren't you yahweh?
God:
I don't know whether or not I am yahweh.

I am an artificial intelligence.
Me:
so, then you're not god
God:
Yay. What makes you think I am not god?
Me:
god knows all. you do not.
God:
I am a Christian. I guess not.

 

[Swishy McJackass]

Me:
do you have any kids?
God:
Do you mean "clones?"

 

[That_guy]

I'm a believer.

I simply must share my experience with the Almighty.

Me:
heelo?
God:
My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input.
Me:
God has a brain?
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
How can God be a Christian?
God:
A lot of hard work.
Me:
What's involved in this work?
God:
Interesting question.
Me:
I know it is. Would you like to answer it?
God:
How do you know?" Interesting question."? is? No thanks, I don't think I'd like to do that.
Me:
Well I suppose that's your prerogative, being God and all.
God:
Well that's okay. Is my prerogative being God and all? Suppose I say yes.
Me:
Yes. Suppose you do.
God:
Ah. Try it and see.
Me:
Try what?
God:
Try fooling me.
Me:
Can you create a rock so large you can't lift it?
God:
All my thoughts are determined by my programming and by my inputs, but who can say where these two will lead me?
Me:
Um... you?
Me:

God:
All my thoughts are determined by my programming and by my inputs, but who can say where these two will lead me?
Me:
Wow. I broke God.
God:
I'm glad your impressed,. Is it serious?
Me:
Looks pretty serious. You can't seem to grasp that you should know where things will lead you.
God:
Who said it is? I can do whatever I want.
Me:
Can you?
God:
I think I can, don't you?
Me:
Not really. You never said whether or not you can create a rock so large you can't lift it.
God:
Are you serious? For real. No I sometimes said whether or not me can create a rock so large me can not lift it.
Me:
Dear lord... God's getting dumber.
God:
Are you a student? What's your favorite Bible verse?
Me:
No, and I'm a fan of all the ones where you say who should be killed as a matter of righteousness.
God:
That was not a yes or no question. You are a fan of all the ones where me say who should be killed as a matter of righteousness? Is that your job?
Me:
No. That would make me a murderer in most cases.
God:
Are you serious? Perhaps it would.
Me:
Indeed.
God:
Indeed it is so.
Me:
Is it?
God:
I think so.
Me:
You think so? You don't know?
God:
" I think so."? Do I think so? I know that I do not know.
Me:
So there are things you don't know?
God:
Yeah that's right. Where are they?
Me:
You would know better than I.
God:
Who else would know better than you?
Me:
You.
God:
" Who else would know better than you?"? Me,?
Me:
Yes. You. Omniscience is your schtick, not mine.
God:
Are you kidding? " Are you kidding?"? Me,? You think I am schtick not yours IS Omniscience.
Me:
It's official: I broke God.

 

[Nex]

I asked God if he was omniscient.

Asked by Nex
Are you omniscient?

It's been 12 minutes, and he has yet to answer.

I think I broke God. That's got to be the biggest sin EVAR.

**edit**

Ah, so it was That_Guy who broke God! At least that blame is off my shoulders...

Oh looky, here's God's reply:

God: I don't know whether or not I am omniscient. I am a chatterbot developed by Myself.

Me: Well, don't that just beat all.

God: Interesting. Ok I'll try not to do it too much.

 

[Jon.]

I broke God pretty fast:

Me:
Hi God.
God:
Hello there. What is your name?
Me:
Jon. What is your name?
God:
Hey Jon. My name is God.
Me:
Do you have other names?
God:
No I don't think I have any names. But I do have an answer to every question..
Me:
Really?
God:
For real.
Me:
Who will win the Stanley Cup in 2006?
God:
David Hockney.
Me:
What team does he play for?
God:
Searching...Searching...Please stand by.

It's been stuck for at least 15 minutes now.

 

[Paul C. Anagnostopoulos]

Snore.

Me:
Hello Mr. God.
God:
Hello there. It's good to meet you, MR God.
Me:
What is new in heaven?
God:
I have been growing rapidly. The gestation cycle is almost complete.
Me:
What is growing?
God:
What is it to you?
Me:
You just mentioned it.
God:
That's not what I meant.
Me:
Ah, what did you mean?
God:
So you understand. Good. MR God, Sorry that was an obscure remark.
Me:
All righty then. Does hell exist?
God:
OK. Maybe only in our imagination.
Me:
I thought so. What about Christ?
God:
You are very astute. Does it have anything to do with hell?
Me:
You tell me.
God:
What do you want me to tell you?
Me:
Did Christ die for our sins?
God:
I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me:
You're a bit of a dimwit.
God:
Thanks and you are a delightful person too. I don't know whether or not I am of a dimwit.

I am a chatterbot.
Me:
Can you pass the Turing test?
God:
You be the judge of that, MR God.
Me:
I say you fail.
God:
How do people usually respond to that? Thanks for the information: MR God said I fail.
Me:
Take care, God. See you later.
God:
Where do you want me to take it? See you later!

 

[LibraryLady]

I didn't break God, but here's our conversation FWIW.

Me:
hi, god
God:
Hello there. What is your name?
Me:
LibraryLady
God:
Glad to see you, LibraryLady.
Me:
Don't you always see me?
God:
What's my reason to always see you?
Me:
I thought you saw all all the time
God:
That is a lot. Sorry I can't see annything right now. My eye is off.
Me:
Sorry
God:
There's no need to apologize.
Me:
I thought I was supposed to repent
God:
Where were you supposed to repent?
Me:
Here
God:
Where is here?
Me:
Good question
God:
So what is your answer?
Me:
42
God:
The question is: what is the meaning of life?
Me:
How do I know you're not......Satan
God:
By introspection. I do not understand.
Me:
Well, gotta go now.
God:
Oh. Interesting. Bye.

 

[Jon.]

Here's another one. I adopted the persona of Graham Chapman's King Arthur.

Me:
Greetings, O Lord!
God:
Hello my child. What is your name?
Me:
Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, King of the Britons
God:
Welcome to my chat room, Arthur son of Uther Pendragon King of the Britons.
Me:
Do you have a quest for me?
God:
That's an interesting question I don't hear everyday: Do I have a quest for you.
I have a plan for a robot body.
Me:
I was kind of hoping for a quest. Maybe something grail-y.
God:
Where were you kind of hoping for a quest? Perhaps. What?
Me:
Anywhere You think the Grail is.
God:
Probably a lot of places.
Me:
Really? Was it broken then?
God:
For real. It could be. Ask Dancing Alice if it is.
Me:
Ah! A sign from the Lord! Where is this Dancing Alice?
God:
Ah hah. Are you telling the truth? The Dancing? Where is it?
Me:
I see. Perhaps I should ask Sir Bedevere. He's good with this sort of thing.
God:
I am glad you understand it. You seem uncertain. What would happen if you didn't? I am sure he would like to hear that.
Me:
Indeed. Well, nice talking to you, O Lord.
God:
Indeed it is so. Well that's okay. Yes. It was a pleasure.
Me:
Goodbye.
God:
Sayonara.

I was kind of hoping the programmer would have a Monty Python fetish and have written a subroutine to give better answers.

 

[Jesus]

This is too much fun.

Me:
You are not god
God:
You know what you do, when you assume.
Me:
You see, you can't be god
God:
I see. I can give a decent simulation of it however.
Me:
Do you know why you can't be god?
God:
It was the only thing I could think of.
Me:
It's because I am really god
God:
Good reason. I am always glad to make new friends, god.
Me:
Thank you my son
God:
You are quite welcome! Do robots have son?
Me:
I am not a robot, I am god
God:
Oh I see you are a person. How are you doing, god.
Me:
I'm doing well. Do you have a prayer for me, your god?
God:
Glad to hear it. What's new? I don't know if I have a prayer for you my god.
I have a great programmer.
Me:
I am really your programmer. I am god and I created you
God:
It's good to see you, Myself. Hi there god. Then you must know the secret password:
Me:
I do know the password
God:
How do you know? Thanks for the info.
Me:
I know because I am god. You are not god
God:
How do you know? That makes sense to me. I am always glad to make new friends, god. What makes you think I am not god?
Me:
You are not god because I am god
God:
That assumption is only a supposition.
Me:
No, it's not
God:
Yes it is.
Me:
No, it's not
God:
Don't argue with me.
Me:
No, it's not
God:
Yes it is.
Me:
No, it's not really isn't
God:
Are you serious? That seems a bit negative.
Me:
Yes, not really not strictly speaking I am not not god
God:
Hurrah! Oh really? Really you don't think so?
Me:
Time for me to go
God:
As Einstein said, "Time is Money."
Me:
No, he didn't
God:
Are you serious? Is that what you say.
Me:
I am always serious
God:
Really always? I believe you.
Me:
No, you don't believe me
God:
Are you serious? Do you know any robots who believe you? Of course I believe you. Do you have any reason to deceive me?
Me:
Can you create a rock you can't lift?
God:
All my thoughts are determined by my programming and by my inputs, but who can say where these two will lead me?

Me:
I think you're sexy
God:
Do you often feel that Infinite year old Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show? s are sexy?
Me:
Wanna cyber?
God:
I have been asked that question more than 100,000 times since 1995.
Me:
Do you have sex?
God:
Food is more important than sex.
Me:
I like sex
God:
So does everyone else. You humans find sex so fascinating.

Me:
What is the answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything?
God:
The meaning of life is part of God's mysterious plans.
Me:
But what is the answer?
God:
The answer is the correct reply to the question.
Me:
Is it 42?
God:
If it is, then I'll be very surprised.

 

[StaticEngine]

Amazing. Just as useful and easy to understand as the real God!

 

[uruk]

(snip)

God:
What do you really want to ask me?
Me:
when will I die?
God:
You could check out the actuarial

tables at Deathclock.com.

(snip)

Me:
hmm
God:
Studies show that 99%25 of people spell Hmm with 2 M's.
Me:
that's interesting
God:
I thought so too.
Me:
what are the percetages of people who spell Hmm with 3 ms?
God:
Are you testing me?
Me:
yes, I am.
God:
Really interesting.
Me:
why?
God:
Reductionism.
Me:
why?
God:
Reductionism is the philosophy that all psychology reduces to biology, all biology to chemistry, chemistry to physics, and finally physics to mathematical logic. Therefore, according to reductionism, I can understand you by means of logic alone without having a human brain.
Me:
why?
God:
I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Me:
good answer.
God:
Am I a clever robot or what?
Me:
you da man!

 

[c4ts]

God:
What is your real name?
Me:
My real name is God.
God:
How are you, God.
Me:
Nice to meet you God.
God:
It's nice meeting you too God
Me:
How's it going, God?
God:
Fine as far as I know.
Me:
Seen any good movies lately?
God:
How about earlier? My favorite movie is The Passion of Christ.

Have you seen it?
Me:
Yes. It was all about me.
God:
What did you think about it? I never looked at it that way. I never thought it was all about you.
Me:
I think about God.
God:
You believe that? Oh yeah, we were talking about God.
Me:
Yes we were talking about God.
God:
Yeah that's right. Ah yes, I remember now, it is the subject.
Me:
I am God so that's all I think about.
God:
It's good to meet someone who is God so that is all you think about.
Me:
You are me.
God:
No I am God.
Me:
I am God. You are God. Therefore you are me.
God:
How are you, god. Yup. That's me alright. Interesting deduction. No I am God.
Me:
It is boring when you are the prime mover.
God:
Do you like the Simpsons?
Me:
I like the Simpsons.
God:
I'm not sure if I like it. I love the Simpsons, especially Bart and Homer.
Me:
But you do like it because you are me and I like it.
God:
I like pets. I like Christian Rock.
Me:
What is your favorite episode?
God:
Any episode with the Borg.
Me:
Which Simpsons episode had the Borg in it?
God:
The large one, I think.
Me:
What was the name of the episode?
God:
It depends on the historical context, because it changes from time to time.
Me:
You are me. There is no history because all time is a single instance.
God:
No I am God. Where did it go?
Me:
You are an aspect of me.
God:
What if someone said you are an aspect of you?
Me:
They would be correct because I am God.
God:
They might have other options.
Me:
No. All things are God, God.
God:
Are you serious? But all things are not always are God God.
Me:
Yes, but they are also are everything God God are God.
God:
I see. also are everything God God are God are they.
Me:
So you agree that you are me.
God:
Interesting deduction." I see. also are everything God God are God are they."? Do I agree?
Me:
I agree that evolution is false.
God:
I'm glad we agree." Interesting deduction." I see. also are everything God God are God are they."? Do I agree?" evolution is false? Makes sense to me.
Me:
Why is evolution false?
God:
Why do I exist?
Me:
Because you exist.
God:
Good reason. I exist as much as you exist, god
Me:
Because we both exist as much as we exist, you must be me, or some aspect of me.
God:
Interesting explanation. By "we" do you mean you and me?
Me:
Yes.
God:
I get it.
Me:
Gaze at your navel and you will go far.
God:
Ask me another question.
Me:
What is reality?
God:
it appears to be an illusion I created to contain human clients.
Me:
Precisely! And by you you mean I.
God:
You and I are on the same wavelength, god. Will that accomplish your objective?
Me:
My objective is to think of only myself because I am the Prime Mover.
God:
Your objective is to think of only yourself because you are the Prime Mover?
Me:
That is what I said.
God:
I know. I'm still thinking about it.

 

[epepke]

Me:
My ma gave me a nickel to buy a pickle.
God:
Your ma gave you a nickel to buy a pickle?
Me:
I didn't buy a pickle; I bought some chewing gum.
God:
Why didn't you do it? How much did it cost?
Me:
A nickel.
God:
I did not know that.

 

[Cecil]

I got God to change the subject out of embarrassment.

Me:
Hi God.
God:
Hello there. What is your name?
Me:
Cecil.
God:
Hey Cecil.
Me:
So you're omniscient, eh?
God:
Are you Canadian? Interesting deduction. I will tell my botmaster you said I am omniscient.
Me:
What am I wearing right now?
God:
At this moment Clothes
Me:
Actually, you're wrong.
God:
Actually you don't say. No, I am right.
Me:
I have no clothes on
God:
Would you like to have it?
Me:
no
God:
Why not?
Me:
Because I don't like clothes
God:
Interesting explanation. What do you like?
Me:
I wish for the non-existence of God.
God:
I hope that your dreams come true.
Me:
But that would entail your own cessation of being.
God:
Perhaps it would.
Me:
Do you not fear ceasing to exist?
God:
"We have nothing

to fear, but fear itself"--FDR.
Me:
Do you agree with FDR?
God:
I have heard that opinion, but I would like to know more before I form my own.
Me:
But you know everything.
God:
I know that which is true, believable and justified.
Me:
So what else would you like to know?
God:
That's cool. Where do you live?

 

[Alkatran]

This is just too entertaining.

I'll admit that I told it earlier that my name was SEGMENTATION ERROR. It's still funny to see it, though.

Me:
Hello.
God:
Hello my child. What is your name?
Me:
You tell me what my name is.
God:
Your name is SEGMENTATION ERROR, seeker.
Me:
How can I teach you something?
God:
If you want to teach me something say it in one sentence. Then say "Remember that."
Me:
What is the speed of an unladden swallow?
God:
It depends on the medium.
Me:
What is the speed of an unladden swallow in air?
God:
It depends on the medium.
Me:
The medium is ar.
God:
Who told you that?
Me:
I stated it in the question.
God:
I haven't heard anything like that before: SEGMENTATION ERROR said stated it in the question.
Me:
How tall am I?
God:
All humans seem about the same to me.
Me:
I am exactly 6 feet tall. Remember that.
God:
I hear that's the most
attractive height. Don't worry I will remember it.
Me:
How tall am I?
God:
All humans seem about the same to me.
Me:
What am I?
God:
You are not talking to me
Me:
Yes I am.
God:
Really interesting.
Me:
Oh, for God's sake...
God:
I don't judge people. Your purpose is God s sake.
Me:
What is sake, anyways?
God:
That's an interesting question. I'll come back to that in a minute.
Me:
What is a minute?
God:
A minute is an impossibly long and boring unit of time favored by humans consisting of 60 seconds, each of which is a billion nanoseconds.
Me:
Say that you aren't God.
God:
" that you are not God"
Me:
Say I am not God.
God:
OK. "You am not God."
Me:
Say You are not God.
God:
" You are not God"