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Heaven

"Heaven is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better."
 
I quite like Kurt Vonneguts heaven in Happy Birthday Wanda June.
Basically everyone is there playing shuffleboard.
Also oddly enough everyone really likes the people who killed them as it meant they got there quicker. There was one scene (I think) with Hitler and Ghandi playing shuffleboard.
However no sex just shuffleboard.
 
fromdownunder said:
I would perhaps be OK for the first 50 trillion years or so, then I would probably start masturbating.

Norm
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Well said.

The more important questions:

are golf there courses in heaven, what speed are the greens, and is there beer or nectar at the nineteenth hole?

Put another way, if you don't have a body, are you still fated to hit a slice off the first tee when everyone is watching?

DR
 
DoubtingStephen said:
If you can take at least 50 people out, for example using a suicide attack, you get the full complement of 72 nubile virgins of your preferred gender. These are permavirgins, they revirginate automatically after each use.
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Unless, as some have maintained, that's actually a mistranslation or misunderstanding or something and it's actually 72 white grapes. Doesn't sound like such a good deal NOW, does it? :p
 
And I always wondered (if heaven was real, of course) which spouse you would be reunited with, your first or your last? Or for those who are both on their second or so marriages with all of them somehow?
But if there is no sex than I guess it doesn't matter much.
 
There had better be sex in heaven 'cos i'm not getting any down here.Form an orderly queue ladies.
 
Elizabeth I said:
Unless, as some have maintained, that's actually a mistranslation or misunderstanding or something and it's actually 72 white grapes. Doesn't sound like such a good deal NOW, does it? :p
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Better pace yourself with those grapes. It's gonna be a long, long eternity.
 
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According to Aslan in the Chronicles of Narnia, nothing is forbidden in Heaven.

However, I don't think the works of C.S. Lewis made the cut in the Council of Carthage.
 
triadboy said:
As I understand it - your genitalia and anus are 'spackled' over with Plumbing Paste until the entire region is smooth. You are then handed a small harp and sent off to 'wang' on it for eternity. Sounds fun.
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:D
 
Third Eye Open said:
I always thought that your soul was the part that went to heaven. Having no physical bodies, I don't see how there would be sex in heaven.
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The urge to reference Transmetropolitan is large, but I will not say anything more except that it is unfit for the sound of mind. Suffice it to say, if you exist as something, you can probably have sex (or some analogous interaction thereof).
 
fromdownunder said:
I would perhaps be OK for the first 50 trillion years or so, then I would probably start masturbating.

Norm
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.
Will there be 8x10 glossies to help?
Mebbe some "family planning" videos and DVDs.
I find these quite useful.
For the fundie, sex is sooo dirty, I expect they won't be doing any of -that-!
 
mdpbl said:
What if god really liked polka music?? :wide-eyed:wide-eyed:wide-eyed:yikes:
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My understanding is - God hates Polka music.

Genesis 8:21 And the LORD smelled a sweet savour

Exodus 29:18 And thou shalt burn the whole ram upon the altar: it is a burnt offering unto the LORD: it is a sweet savour, an offering made by fire unto the LORD.
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etc, etc, etc

It seems obvious God like BBQ. His music then would be The Allman Brothers - which is the exact opposite of Polka music.
 
triadboy said:
As I understand it - your genitalia and anus are 'spackled' over with Plumbing Paste until the entire region is smooth. You are then handed a small harp and sent off to 'wang' on it for eternity. Sounds fun.
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DoubtingStephen said:
The amount of sex you have in heaven depends on the number of innocent people you murder on behalf of <insert_imaginary_deity>.

If you can take at least 50 people out, for example using a suicide attack, you get the full complement of 72 nubile virgins of your preferred gender. These are permavirgins, they revirginate automatically after each use.

Or, if you choose a priestly career path you do not need to do the actual killing, just pray for our boys over there and be sure to display The Flag near the altar in your church. Priests that can recruit at least 50 delusionals into the fairy tale life style get 72 altar boys in the next life. Of course men only need apply.

If this version of heaven does not appeal you can always invent your own using the fairy tale construction kit, available at Best Buy and Circuit City. As a US citizen, if you are a US citizen, you have the right to invent your own religion and gather signatures on ballot petitions to incorporate your superstitions into local, state, and/or national law. This can really jumpstart your faithful recruitment campaign.

If time pressure is a major consideration it is possible to set up a quick, customized religion using an Old Testament and a rented cherry picker.

Your sexual interests may vary, offer subject to change without notice. Not valid on certain planets.
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Posts quoted because they made me laugh.

But you're both wrong. There is technically sex in heaven, if you count the daily divinely mandated routine of dropping your robes, touching your toes, and closing your eyes. Whatever you feel, have faith, it's God. No peeking now.
 
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