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Heaven

JonathanClement

Thinker
JonathanClement
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Messages
209
You know, when I was a christian, I was obsessed with the idea that there was no sex in heaven. It was the bane of my existence.

Am I supposed to not get to experience to joy of marriage and having kids because I wait until marriage and then WHAM! Christ returns and I'm turning into a mindless zombie drug addict in heaven.

What was the point of earth at all? What was the point? What was the point of pro-creation when God could just make people himself? And why is there war in heaven? How is it that satan was unhappy enough to rebel?

So, what are your thoughts on sex in heaven? I especially want to hear it from Christians.
 
There are really two main ways to picture heaven, as I view it:
a) All desires fulfilled
b) All desires removed

The depictions by Muslims are probably the ones I've heard which comes closest to the former. Christianity seems influenced enough by Eastern philosophies, such as Buddhism, for it to slide closer to the latter.
 
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JonathanClement said:
So, what are your thoughts on sex in heaven? I especially want to hear it from Christians.
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As I understand it - your genitalia and anus are 'spackled' over with Plumbing Paste until the entire region is smooth. You are then handed a small harp and sent off to 'wang' on it for eternity. Sounds fun.
 
All I know is that if I make it to heaven, which looks bleak at the moment, I hope Scarlett Johansson or Selma Hayek are up there. That would make me EXTREMELY happy! :D
 
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I always thought that your soul was the part that went to heaven. Having no physical bodies, I don't see how there would be sex in heaven.


On a side note, do you keep your memories of earth when you go to heaven?

If you do, I don't know how anyone could have a good time with the knowledge that billions of people are being tortured beneath you in hell, and will continue to be for eternity... I guess I'm just more compassionate than god...

If you don't, then I don't see what the point of being on earth was in the first place...
 
Third Eye Open said:
I always thought that your soul was the part that went to heaven. Having no physical bodies, I don't see how there would be sex in heaven.


On a side note, do you keep your memories of earth when you go to heaven?

If you do, I don't know how anyone could have a good time with the knowledge that billions of people are being tortured beneath you in hell, and will continue to be for eternity... I guess I'm just more compassionate than god...

If you don't, then I don't see what the point of being on earth was in the first place...
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Wait, so are you saying that my soul cant have sex with Scarlett Johanssons or Selma Hayeks soul? Screw that, I dont want to go to heaven no more!! lol
 
Third Eye Open said:
do you keep your memories of earth when you go to heaven?

If you do, I don't know how anyone could have a good time with the knowledge that billions of people are being tortured beneath you in hell, and will continue to be for eternity... I guess I'm just more compassionate than god...
Click to expand...

Back in my youth, someone asked that question in a Wednesday night Bible study.
The teacher told him he was "thinking with a carnal mind," and in heaven there would be no xuch problem, because he wouldn't have a carnal mind.
 
The amount of sex you have in heaven depends on the number of innocent people you murder on behalf of <insert_imaginary_deity>.

If you can take at least 50 people out, for example using a suicide attack, you get the full complement of 72 nubile virgins of your preferred gender. These are permavirgins, they revirginate automatically after each use.

Or, if you choose a priestly career path you do not need to do the actual killing, just pray for our boys over there and be sure to display The Flag near the altar in your church. Priests that can recruit at least 50 delusionals into the fairy tale life style get 72 altar boys in the next life. Of course men only need apply.

If this version of heaven does not appeal you can always invent your own using the fairy tale construction kit, available at Best Buy and Circuit City. As a US citizen, if you are a US citizen, you have the right to invent your own religion and gather signatures on ballot petitions to incorporate your superstitions into local, state, and/or national law. This can really jumpstart your faithful recruitment campaign.

If time pressure is a major consideration it is possible to set up a quick, customized religion using an Old Testament and a rented cherry picker.

Your sexual interests may vary, offer subject to change without notice. Not valid on certain planets.
 
DoubtingStephen said:
The amount of sex you have in heaven depends on the number of innocent people you murder on behalf of <insert_imaginary_deity>.

If you can take at least 50 people out, for example using a suicide attack, you get the full complement of 72 nubile virgins of your preferred gender. These are permavirgins, they revirginate automatically after each use.

Or, if you choose a priestly career path you do not need to do the actual killing, just pray for our boys over there and be sure to display The Flag near the altar in your church. Priests that can recruit at least 50 delusionals into the fairy tale life style get 72 altar boys in the next life. Of course men only need apply.

If this version of heaven does not appeal you can always invent your own using the fairy tale construction kit, available at Best Buy and Circuit City. As a US citizen, if you are a US citizen, you have the right to invent your own religion and gather signatures on ballot petitions to incorporate your superstitions into local, state, and/or national law. This can really jumpstart your faithful recruitment campaign.

If time pressure is a major consideration it is possible to set up a quick, customized religion using an Old Testament and a rented cherry picker.

Your sexual interests may vary, offer subject to change without notice. Not valid on certain planets.
Click to expand...

"These are permavirgins, they revirginate automatically after each use."

:D:D:D:D:D:D
 
ceo_esq said:
At least according to Wikipedia, theories of Buddhist influence on Christianity seem questionable.
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That's why I said it with the reservation "seems". ;)

There are some striking philosophical similarities between Christianity and Buddhism (and other Asian philosophies), but as it is completely possible for Siddhartha Gautama and Jesus to have come up with them independently, I make no assumptions about exactly how that happened. My point was just that these similarities have an impact on how the Christian heaven has come to be portrayed.
 
DoubtingStephen said:
If time pressure is a major consideration it is possible to set up a quick, customized religion using an Old Testament and a rented cherry picker.
Click to expand...


*Snork*

Was that intended?

Your sexual interests may vary, offer subject to change without notice. Not valid on certain planets.
Click to expand...


Hmm, are the laws in Leviticus invalidated once you reach heaven? After umpteen million years, homosexuality may be refreshing as a change.
 
Hokulele said:
*Snork*

Was that intended?
Click to expand...

Oh yes. Yes indeed. If you liked that line, you'll love the Sanctity of Bigotry.

Hokulele said:
Hmm, are the laws in Leviticus invalidated once you reach heaven? After umpteen million years, homosexuality may be refreshing as a change.
Click to expand...

Leviticus is the sarcastic web site designer's paradise, I'm not sure about Leviticus in some mythical sky paradise, but on Earth it has been a, um, godsend.
 
DoubtingStephen said:
Oh yes. Yes indeed. If you liked that line, you'll love the Sanctity of Bigotry.
Click to expand...


Well, I was taking a page out of the hcmom handbook and thinking of the, er, naughty version of "cherry picking". :halo:

And I do enjoy that site. I can't remember where I saw the link, but it was in some other R&P thread.

Leviticus is the sarcastic web site designer's paradise, I'm not sure about Leviticus in some mythical sky paradise, but on Earth it has been a, um, godsend.
Click to expand...


I'm glad you enjoy that chapter. When I took a Comp. Rel. class way back when, it was a dead bore to read through. The only one that could possibly top it was the first part of 1 Chronicles. Snore. On the plus side, I have never suffered from insomnia when a copy of the OT was available. ;)
 
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