Dealing with eating disorders

[Samus]

I wasn't sure which forum to put this in, so E&SI will do.

I've been dating a girl for about six months now that, when she was a teenager, had an eating disorder (anorexia). It got so serious that she actually spent a couple months in the hospital. She slowly recovered, and now lives a fairly healthy life and doesn't get overly concerned about her body image (no more than any other girl I know).

The problem is that she's very sensitive to diet and exercise issues. If I make a change in my diet, she gets upset by it. When I stopped drinking soda, I got the impression she was irrationally concerned about it. Now I'm making an effort to cut back on the amount of sugar I take in, attempting to bust this little food baby I can't seem to get rid of. I don't want to tell her, lest she get upset again that I'm changing my diet.

Because I have a concern for the things I eat and the amount of exercise I get, I would like her to have a similar concern. However, I can't very well approach that subject with her given her history, and I am most certainly not suggesting she's too fat. I just enjoy doing things that require being reasonably physically fit (bicycling, hiking, etc.)

How do I introduce these various efforts to her without offending her? Like I said, I don't think she's unattractive (after all, we have been dating for six months), so it's not an issue of looks or image. It's more an issue of self-improvement, without becoming obsessive over it.

Any JREF folks with experience in eating disorders? She'll occasionally tell me of things she did while she was unhealthy (for example, not drinking anything that had calories), and it's scary. I don't want to lose her, I don't want to offend her, and I'm not trying to change who she is. I'm just wondering how I can bring these types of issues up with someone so sensitive about these things.

Thoughts?

 

[Wile E. Coyote]

I imagine that there is no solution that would guarantee acceptance. I would probably encourage it subtly by chosing healthy foods over non-healthy foods in a way that suggests you actually prefer those foods.

Perhaps she should not be informed explicitly of your dietary changes. Keep things small and unimportant. After you eat greasy foods, tell her you feel a little blah. Moan in pleasure while you are eating a salad. I know I do.

 

[SteveW]

Dump her - she's a wacko.

Seriously, I take great pleasure in eating. I'm not a glutton understand but my wife and I love good food. Butter, cream sauces, fresh fruit, you name it.

Sorry, but I couldn't stand to be with anyone who took an issue with food.

There are not many pleasures in life and weighing 80 pounds and being rail thin is not one of them.

 

[Yahweh]

How do I introduce these various efforts to her without offending her?

Why would you want to do that, it means you got more of her to love .

Seriously, I would suggest you avoid using buzzwords such as "diet" and replace them with much softer sounding euphemisms like "eat healthier".

If anything, dont beat around the bush at all. Suggest to her that you want to lose some weight and diet a little. Why? Because from what I've seen in most couples, if one person diets, the other diets also. Or, you can suggest your girlfriend diet with you to be supportive... of course from what I've seen in couples its probably better to be upfront and direct rather than "having a hidden agenda".

Any JREF folks with experience in eating disorders?

Fortunately, my work puts myself in the place to interact with a lot of teenagers. I've seen my fair share of anorexics and bulemics, the biggest problem is teen girls with friends who do nothing to discourage eating disorders. You'd be surprised how many teens make dicisions and choices because their friends tell them too (not the same as peer pressure... its also quite surprising how many teens resist giving in to peer pressure involving risky behaviors).

Thoughts?

Not usually...

 

[kittynh]

well probably when she was a teen she was very much overly concerned with what she ate, and working out. My friend Julia who died of heart failure from anorexia had copies of "Gourmet" magazine and every cookbook known to man in her house.

She may be afraid she can't control what was once an obsession in her life. Fat is not great, but it won't kill you quick.

sort of like an alcoholic taking a drink, she may feel she has to stay away.

But, if you want to bike or hike, she should be open to that as it is something fun to do , not working out.

don't know how to help you, but she might be deathly afraid of ever going "back" to her disease.

 

[Kevin_Lowe]

Diets don't work. That's all there is to it. They are bad for you and you won't lose long-term weight.

If you want to lose weight you should exercise more and eat whatever you damn well feel like. In fact, everyone should exercise regularly and eat whatever they damn well feel like.

Whatever shape you end up in will be the shape you are supposed to be. You'll also live longer and be happier.

 

[Jon_in_london]

Any JREF folks with experience in eating disorders?

Mmmmm... tastes like chicken.

 

[Wile E. Coyote]

Diets don't work. That's all there is to it. They are bad for you and you won't lose long-term weight.

If you want to lose weight you should exercise more and eat whatever you damn well feel like. In fact, everyone should exercise regularly and eat whatever they damn well feel like.

Whatever shape you end up in will be the shape you are supposed to be. You'll also live longer and be happier.

Diets do work. In fact, you cannot exercise regularly, eat whatever you want, and expect to lose weight. I don't think the preceding statement needs any justification.

Dump her.

Yes, disregard all of her other fine attributes and dump her on the grounds that she is not perfect. This sounds like a wonderful way to stay miserable and/or alone for the rest of your life.

 

[Candace]

Any JREF folks with experience in eating disorders? She'll occasionally tell me of things she did while she was unhealthy (for example, not drinking anything that had calories), and it's scary. I don't want to lose her, I don't want to offend her, and I'm not trying to change who she is. I'm just wondering how I can bring these types of issues up with someone so sensitive about these things.

Hello, experience, yes. Thirteen years in which I managed to nearly wreck my kidneys, liver and heart, did destroy my teeth (acid washed, you know), my marriage and my childhood (false memory therapy sucks).

The most important thing you say is: "I don't want to lose her, I don't want to offend her, and I'm not trying to change who she is."

That's a super attitude to have and I commend you for it.

It sounds like she's still a bit brittle about her experience. Goes with the disease. Alcoholics know that all they have to do (that sounds so easy - I know it's not) is STAY THE HECK AWAY FROM ALCOHOL. Recovering addicts just have to keep the needle out of their arm.

Anorexics and bulimics have to walk the tiger, each and every day, for the rest of their lives. Because the addiction is CONTROL, not FOOD. When anorexics start eating again, they may exhibit other control behaviors that seem to have NOTHING to do with eating, ie. cutting or injuring themselves; changing person, place and things (moving far away, dumping the old friends); sweeping changes in lifestyle or appearance.

And most A&B are very very well educated on food and exercise issues. I can still quote how many calories in a spoon of ice cream or peanut butter. I can still do the addition and subtraction in my head to come up with 0 calorie growth. (Ok, so that's 25 calories for this cottage cheese, now if I jog in place for 20 minutes...)

It gets to be a very deeply ingraned thought process, and then the thinking itself becomes a red flag, because people will cue to it, even if you don't think they do.

I'd suggest you approach her about it in a way that YOU can ask for HER help, ie. when she says something about the sugar content of something, ask her if she could help you learn better how to calculate your intake or if you need to up your proteins or carbs. And just DO the bicycling or hiking, but don't make a big deal out of it being good for you. It's just something you do, you enjoy it.

Be aware, though, there's a host of medical problems that come with long term anorexia and bulimia, and if she demurrs to climb Mt. Shasta with you, it may not be something personal, it may be that she has an irregular heartbeat and doesn't really think the view is to die for...

It sounds like she's very tuned in to eating patterns (big surprise there) and that you may not be used to someone noticing that you stopped the soda, for instance. It's sort of like an area of expertise. Believe me, in my own case at least, you will not be able to be subtle enough to slip anything regarding food by her, and it'll probably make her feel uncomfortable if you try.

Just pointing out that this is JUST my .02 cents worth, your milage may vary significantly. Just remember the most important thing you said;

" I don't want to lose her, I don't want to offend her, and I'm not trying to change who she is."

Perhaps that would be a good place to start talking with her.

 

[Samus]

Candace, thanks for bumping the thread, and for providing so much insight. That's exactly the kind of reply I was hoping to get, I appreciate your perspective. I hope you are making good progress in your own recovery, as well. She was in the hospital over a decade ago, but you can tell it still has an effect on her today.

Well, since authoring the thread, we're now at about seven months and still going. We had a lot of discussion in August (sort of walking that line of whether this is a serious relationship, are we preparing for something long-term or won't this last, stuff like that). One of the things that came up was her desire to get more exercise, but in a way that suited her, and not to become obcessive about it. We're going to start with something simple: walking. She likes to walk, I do too, so that's a good place to start. We'll save the canoeing and hiking for next summer.

The diet thing has gotten better, too, but I see things in her diet that she can cut out, won't miss much, and will help her lose the few pounds she wants to lose. I'm apprehensive to point them out, so I think I'll just drive on and maybe mention some good alternatives as subtle hints.

The key, as I have learned by saying the wrong thing a few times, is to not be critical. If she wants to talk about it, I'll mention some alternatives, but always back that up with the reassurance that she is fine the way she is (because, quite frankly, I think she is).

Thanks again for the info.

 

[Candace]

Thank you for your kind words, dwb. I'm sorry I didn't really notice the date of the thread.

*blushes*

And, yes, I've made a lot of progress, at least I like to think so... And it is a process, mostly lifelong.

Thanks for replying and my best wishes for happiness in your relationship!

 

[Kitten]

One thing to avoid is talking about how many calories you're burning or how fit you'll be after biking, running, hiking, kayaking, whatever.

I'm fairly active and in shape, but I won't go to the gym often. Why? I hate thinking of exercise as just a way to burn off lunch and hate machines that count calories.

If you go out for a bike ride, talk about the view or how nice the weather is or how great it feels to be outside. If you go for a hike, look for wildlife. Try to really enjoy the activity. Besides, you'll probably stick to "fun" exercise much better than you will to boring, rigid exercise at the gym.

 

[Kevin_Lowe]

Diets do work. In fact, you cannot exercise regularly, eat whatever you want, and expect to lose weight. I don't think the preceding statement needs any justification.

Diets don't work.

What works is exercising, and eating what your body tells you it needs. Yes, if you exercise regularly and eat whatever you want you may not lose weight, but only if you weren't overweight to start with.

Anyone who says a diet works is either a sucker, or trying to sell you something.

(It's also worth mentioning that the way you formatted your posting makes it looks like I advised a dumping when I did no such thing. Not nice).

 

[Samus]

Diets don't work.

Not to revive a dying thread, but it is my thread...

"Diets" in the Weight Watchers and Dexatrim context do not work, you are correct. Improving your diet, another perfectly valid use of the word, does work.

You can't exercise, and then eat whatever you want, and expect to keep a fit figure. You have to manage what you intake, and control your diet to maintain a proper weight.

A diet is not something you buy in the drug store. It's ensuring your body is getting what it needs, and trying to avoid what it doesn't. Diet, as in proper dietary intake, does work.