AlexPontik
Thinker
- Joined
- May 23, 2020
- Messages
- 140
Hi all,
what do you think? Both positive and negative feedback are welcome (but as always...keep it classy...)
General argument
what more can you tell to your child in life, than have fun and be careful?
What is my reasoning for saying this? Because if you tell your child to do something else (what else? anything else)
Example Scenario:
you notice it is cold outside and your child is going to play with its friends
More than you should say: Have fun and be careful plus something else
what you tell your kid: Have fun and be careful, but take this jacket also and wear it, as it is cold. Your child disagrees.
What a selfish child does: the child takes but doesn't wear the jacket, and proceeds to have fun and be careful. But if the child is careful up to this point in its life, if it is cold for the child, then it will notice it (because the child is being careful) and will wear the jacket. Also, the child notices that your advice was valuable, and trusts you a bit more in the future.
What a bad child does: the child doesn't takes but doesn't wear the jacket, and proceeds to have fun and be careful. But if the child is a careful child up to this point in its life, if it is cold for the child, then it will notice it (because the child is being careful) and will wear the jacket. Still, the child doesn't notice any value in your advice in the future.
What a good child does: the child wears the jacket, and proceeds to have fun and be careful. But if the child is a careful child up to this point in its life, if it is warm for the child, then it will notice it (because the child is being careful), and will remove the jacket. Also, the child notices that your advice wasn't valuable, but it was loving. How much your child trusts your advice in the future, depends on how many times your advice wasn't valuable in the past, as a good child, wants also be fair with its mother.
Less than you should say: something else
what you tell your kid: Take this jacket also and wear it, as it is cold.Your child disagrees.
What a selfish child does: leaves without the jacket.
What a bad child does: takes the jacket, hides it near the house, and proceeds to go to have fun.
What a good child does: Takes the jacket and wears it. Regardless of whether it is warm or cold, the child keeps the jacket on. For now the child is afraid to make its own decisions, according to how the child feels. In the future, the child won't always have someone to advice it, and if it is afraid to make its own decisions now, it won't be able to built enough experience making decisions, observing the results, and correcting its behavior.
the right words: Have fun and be careful.
What a selfish child does: checks the weather and decides on whether it needs a jacket or not.
What a bad child does: goes out without checking the weather. If the weather is cold, the child will understand that the mistake was in its decision to not check the weather in the future.
What a good child does: checks the weather and decides on whether it needs a jacket or not. Gives you a kiss before it leaves.
What I am trying to argue is that in order for your child to build the ability to make decisions on difficult occasions, it needs first to make decisions on its own for simple occasions.
To build this skill (making decisions on difficult occasions), your child needs to accept responsibility of its own decisions, or else it cannot understand where it should correct its behavior.
In the above example, have fun and be careful sounds like and ideal situation, and this is what it is.
In practice for a child to learn a behavior, one needs start from "have fun and be careful, plus something else" (whatever this something else if for the occasion, e.g. wear the jacket, brush your teeth, make your bed etc.), with the aim to reach "have fun and be careful", where the child has an understanding that it is its responsibility to control its behavior.
As a parent, you will notice your kid changing its behavior, and then it is also your responsibility to not do "something else" but "have fun and be careful". The reason for doing this is that then the relationship between the parent and the child is working while both are "having fun and being careful", and this common understanding without extra words, builds trust between them.
what do you think? Both positive and negative feedback are welcome (but as always...keep it classy...)
General argument
what more can you tell to your child in life, than have fun and be careful?
What is my reasoning for saying this? Because if you tell your child to do something else (what else? anything else)
- at best your child is going to have fun and be careful, plus something else. But as it takes less time and effort to just have fun and be careful, it will be common sense for your child to move to just have fun and be careful, sooner or later.
- at worst your child is going to do something else, which may be or may not be what you asked your child to do. But your child in this case is not having fun and not being careful (we covered having fun and being careful, plus something else on bullet 1. )
Example Scenario:
you notice it is cold outside and your child is going to play with its friends
More than you should say: Have fun and be careful plus something else
what you tell your kid: Have fun and be careful, but take this jacket also and wear it, as it is cold. Your child disagrees.
What a selfish child does: the child takes but doesn't wear the jacket, and proceeds to have fun and be careful. But if the child is careful up to this point in its life, if it is cold for the child, then it will notice it (because the child is being careful) and will wear the jacket. Also, the child notices that your advice was valuable, and trusts you a bit more in the future.
What a bad child does: the child doesn't takes but doesn't wear the jacket, and proceeds to have fun and be careful. But if the child is a careful child up to this point in its life, if it is cold for the child, then it will notice it (because the child is being careful) and will wear the jacket. Still, the child doesn't notice any value in your advice in the future.
What a good child does: the child wears the jacket, and proceeds to have fun and be careful. But if the child is a careful child up to this point in its life, if it is warm for the child, then it will notice it (because the child is being careful), and will remove the jacket. Also, the child notices that your advice wasn't valuable, but it was loving. How much your child trusts your advice in the future, depends on how many times your advice wasn't valuable in the past, as a good child, wants also be fair with its mother.
Less than you should say: something else
what you tell your kid: Take this jacket also and wear it, as it is cold.Your child disagrees.
What a selfish child does: leaves without the jacket.
What a bad child does: takes the jacket, hides it near the house, and proceeds to go to have fun.
What a good child does: Takes the jacket and wears it. Regardless of whether it is warm or cold, the child keeps the jacket on. For now the child is afraid to make its own decisions, according to how the child feels. In the future, the child won't always have someone to advice it, and if it is afraid to make its own decisions now, it won't be able to built enough experience making decisions, observing the results, and correcting its behavior.
the right words: Have fun and be careful.
What a selfish child does: checks the weather and decides on whether it needs a jacket or not.
What a bad child does: goes out without checking the weather. If the weather is cold, the child will understand that the mistake was in its decision to not check the weather in the future.
What a good child does: checks the weather and decides on whether it needs a jacket or not. Gives you a kiss before it leaves.
What I am trying to argue is that in order for your child to build the ability to make decisions on difficult occasions, it needs first to make decisions on its own for simple occasions.
To build this skill (making decisions on difficult occasions), your child needs to accept responsibility of its own decisions, or else it cannot understand where it should correct its behavior.
In the above example, have fun and be careful sounds like and ideal situation, and this is what it is.
In practice for a child to learn a behavior, one needs start from "have fun and be careful, plus something else" (whatever this something else if for the occasion, e.g. wear the jacket, brush your teeth, make your bed etc.), with the aim to reach "have fun and be careful", where the child has an understanding that it is its responsibility to control its behavior.
As a parent, you will notice your kid changing its behavior, and then it is also your responsibility to not do "something else" but "have fun and be careful". The reason for doing this is that then the relationship between the parent and the child is working while both are "having fun and being careful", and this common understanding without extra words, builds trust between them.
