• Quick note - the problem with Youtube videos not embedding on the forum appears to have been fixed, thanks to ZiprHead. If you do still see problems let me know.

Skeptics Beware!

Achán hiNidráne

Illuminator
Achán hiNidráne
Joined
Jun 23, 2004
Messages
3,974
I was driving to pick up my rented tux for my sister's upcoming meaningless religious cermemony to get cosmic approval for her sex life... I mean, wedding... when I passed one of the local churches , I saw the following message on the sign up in front:

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES, OR DO YOU TRY TO EXPLAIN THEM AWAY?

I chuckled and rhetorically answered, "I sure do. Just try and stop me."
 
Oh yeah? I saw this one once: "Remember: God will throw you into Hell for thinking too much."


They actually went down to the hardware store to buy red letters to put up on their marquis.
 
Or, my fave:

'If you believe there is no God,
you'd better pray you're right!'

Besides the obvious contradictions, I always think,
"Don't worry, I am!"

By the way, congrats to your sister, Mark A. :)
 
"Wal-mart is not the only place that saves."

I foudn this one on a church and thought:
So, first you're going to buy your sacraments from third world countries for 1/10 the price, then undercut all competing churches in the area and drive them out of business. After that, you'll start outsourcing the actual soul-saving to a Hindu organization in India, who will get a 10% commision for servicing your customers.


Hmmmmmm.
 
Lots of churches try using "clever" puns on their marquees as if it will actually entice people to come in. Not helping matters is a series of emails that have circulated, containing huge lists of these. A few I've seen on many local churches at different times include "Exposure to the Son may prevent burning" (hee hee) and "Free mansion: apply inside" (ho ho), and that idiotic "Know God, no peace" (or whatever). Stupid. Of these "witticisms", I've only ever chuckled at one - a Methodist rack whose marquee said "Sign broken - come inside for message."

Every once in a while, you get a small local church that posts good things. For instance, there's one just up the street from me with a marquee that reads, "He who throws mud at a good person only dirties his own hands". I find nothing imposing or annoying about this message. Another I remember from this particular chapel said something to the effect of "The bread of falsehood tastes sweet to a man, but his mouth is soon filled with gravel". I'm even fond of that one.
 
There is a church nearby that always has two messages on each side, so that you have to drive by the sign from two directions to get the full feel of the message.

Side 1: "Repentance forgives all sins"
Side 2: "Even Hitler could be forgiven, can you?"

And other bizarre fundamentalisms like that.
 
Joshua Korosi said:
"The bread of falsehood tastes sweet to a man, but his mouth is soon filled with gravel".
Click to expand...

I suppose gravel is the next logical step in the unrelenting Quest For Fiber that all the bread suppliers seem to suffer from. I can understand "5 Grain Bread" and "7 Grain Bread", and even "11 Grain Bread", but I must object to the outrageous claims of "32 Grain Bread" on the grounds that there aren't that many edible grains. They're simply putting cardboard and sheetrock in there by that point.

There is no point in fibering up bread, as bread is merely a vehicle for the contents of the sandwich. When we want fiber, we'll eat bran cereal, or eat the shredded newspaper that lines our cages.

I wonder if the quote about "bread of falsehood" is a sly reference to the claims of transubstantiation in a rival denomination? Where does "gravel" come from? Kidney stones? Is it an oblique pee-drinking reference?

In medieval illuminations, heretics were depicted as having frogs emerge from their mouths. Therefore, to make a more traditional allusion, I would amend the quote to read "The bread of falsehood tastes sweet to a man, but his mouth is soon filled with live frogs". This could serve as a warning against heresy or a warning against watching Fear Factor. It could also fund the new steeple construction with sales of cute plush frogs.
 
I LOVE that description of marriage - excellent.

You may wish to make your own snappy church notice board and can do so here

churchsign.jpg
 
Thanks TR. However, I don't know what made me more uncomfortable; spending the day in that gorram monkey suit or spending two hours in the gorram church.
 
Some I have seen around here include:

"Seven days without praying makes one weak"

and:

"This church is soular powered by the sun."

And I have started to refer to those buildings as "god boxes."
 
Originally posted by Beerina
Oh yeah? I saw this one once: "Remember: God will throw you into Hell for thinking too much."


They actually went down to the hardware store to buy red letters to put up on their marquis.
Click to expand...

Ack! 1inChrist has a billboard now!
 
I've always loved Lady WhiteAdder's quote:

"'Cold' is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics!"

:D
 
Mark A. Siefert said:
Thanks TR. However, I don't know what made me more uncomfortable; spending the day in that gorram monkey suit or spending two hours in the gorram church.
Click to expand...

I'd say the church, as you could always take off the jacket & tie...thankfully, I haven't had much call to wear or go to either one recently.
(except that now I've mentioned it, I'll probably be doing both within a week!):D
 
Temporal Renegade said:
I've always loved Lady WhiteAdder's quote:

"'Cold' is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics!"

:D
Click to expand...

"Chair? You have chairs in your house?"

"Err... umm... yes?"

"WICKED CHILD! In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!"

"Then... what do you sit on?"

"I sit on Nathaniel. Two spikes would be an extravagance."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top Bottom