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Fear of EVER getting married

Iamme

Philosopher
I
Joined
Aug 5, 2003
Messages
6,215
I am trying to coax out all the single posters. Don't be bashful. And of those who are already married or plan to be soon, let's hear you comments.

I have enjoyed my freedom now for 32 years. Never been married. I am set in my ways. But here is what i actually fear:

I fear, that if I were married, that the novelty would wear off. I don't want that to happen. I want to retain that euphoric feeling I get when I lay my eyes on a cute, sweet girl in the grocery store. What would I do, if I was married? I'd be sick. Wouldn't I?

I also envision being married to a woman that turns out the way my grandma did. She went senile. Walked around with underwear outside her clothes. She also grew a beard. Ewwwww. Who wants THAT? My grandpa didn't like it. He yelled and threw things at her and called her a dumb bunny. (Iamme thinking of THAT image...now thinking of images on video entitled "Girls Gone Wild".)

Then, I fear the kids aspect. Do I want kids? Yes and no combined. My fears are the responsibilty. It also creeps me out to imagine them growing into teens because when THAT happens, I know I would be old. THEIR aging would be a measurement of time for me. The way it is now, I can pretend I am not getting old.:D I'm not too fond of the thought of going to parent/teacher meetings either. I would hate to have to relive the entire school thing all over.:eek:

Hugh Hefner, here I come?
 
Well, I'm married....

going on 20+ years. Yes, the novelty does wear off, but you can experiment with a lot of different things sexually during the course of a lifetime. The trick is to continue to grow along with your mate, not away from them. Hubby & I still try new things from time to time.

And you can still appreciate young hotties you see - either in person or through media. I learned early on in our relationship that pointing out hot chicks turned on my hubby. He knew I appreciated his libido, & I trusted that he was only lusting in his heart (oh I know it's really his head.) ;)

IMO, fantasy in the bedroom is required & should not be censored. Sometimes couples may try something that doesn't work, so you don't do it again. Key is to communicate & be willing to accept boundry lines. Takes some work & commitment.

I wouldn't want to be going from one relationship to the next. Growing old with someone who knows me better than anyone else, who gets all of my inside jokes, who has shared so many good & bad times with me, is something I cherish.

And I'm a sappy, cheesy gal. Oh well!

MHB
 
Iamme said:
My fears are the responsibilty.
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Yes, that's quite clear. You fear accepting responsibility. Why does this not surprise me?

The meaning of life is found in the responsiblities we accept. Yes, a responsible life is not as much fun; but it is much more meaningful. But I suppose adulthood is not for everybody.
 
Marriage (or lack of), children, and finding a love occupies my time, thoughts, and brain more than skeptical thought ever could. Being 30 and single is harsh down here in Alabama; traditionally everyone marries quickly. My apparent good looks and money doesn't matter when there's no one left in town I still want (but I'm not impossible to please, no worries there). Yeah, I look around on the internet, shameful as that seems to me.

Even though life seems meaningless, and life's reproductive urges exist without purpose, I have a hard time overcoming the sadness I feel of being alone. I know its all about the culture, but it's really hard to get over.
 
Poor Keneke!:eek: Don't they have a low age of consent law down there? I happened by chance once, to see in my World Almanac (I swear I wasn't looking this up) that some State has a 13 year old age of conscent law. 13! And it wasn't Alabama, or Mississsippi either. It was like...hmmm.Vermont?

Are you seriously down in the dumps over this? And you are good looking and have money? What's your problem? Too picky? Are you afraid of girls? (You know...like they'll go and tell their friends about how you are in bed, and what 'size' you are?...and stuff?)
 
I would say evolution shaped the human brain so that it can stand and even requires a certain amount of stress. Young people go to the amusement park to use the roller coaster, or they date, and when they are older, they marry and get children to get their needed dose of stress.

If you don't marry and get children, you will find some less comfortable sort of stress, or otherwise your brain will implode due to the lack of stress.
 
Age of consent? ew. Even 18 and 19 year olds are rarely mature enough for me, not even mentioning anyone younger. You must be joking.

Picky? I don't go out with just anyone, but I am quite tolerant, patient, and forgiving. So in an even playing field, I'm just about right, but I could be considered picky in my current conditions. I just need to move to NYC...they say single straight men are an endangered species up there.

And yes, Jan, I see how lack of stress can cause that. I *want* to fall in love, get into arguments, worry about someone when they're gone, punish a child when he does something wrong. It's that urge to pass on my genes and my philosophy that focuses my life. But the women around here who feel the same way are already getting down to business doing just that.
 
Hello Keneke,

Well, to begin, it feels strange discussing dating strategies with the Pope. Didn't you take a vow?

What are you doing to meet women? Are you "out there" or are you waiting for her to knock on your door?

I know how hard it is and how scary it is.
 
Well, what I do to meet women is I go out into the congregation, and I see someone I like, and invite them for a ride in my popemobile... :p

But seriously, I do go out, as well as look on the internet. Trust me, my methods are good enough. There are women out there, it's not like I am in the Australian outback or something.

Maybe I am just too picky? Not as charming as I think I am? Too worked up with love to actually BE in love? Am I objectifying women? Rushing? I don't think I am, but I always could be wrong.

Oh, and one last thing: I find this objective assessment of my love life embarassing!
 
Hey, I'd go for a ride in the popemobile any day! :D


Well, then, enough about your love life.

The people I know who are seriously looking make it a priority in their life. One woman is committed to meeting/"screening" at least one man each week. They join single's groups, interest groups or clubs, answer/place personal ads etc. etc.

There is a single life coach website that might be useful. Others have found it helpful.

Finding a partner is a numbers game. The more people you meet, the greater your chances.
 
arcticpenguin said:
1) What does this have to do with religion or philosophy?

2) We don't want you to have kids.
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I, however would like to have your children mister penguin.

The problem with marriages is that sometimes they suck. Sure, there are low-fall out divorces, or at least, I've been told they exist, but on the whole it's not a fun thing for those involved or those in a fairly wide radius.
 
Keneke said:
Well, what I do to meet women is I go out into the congregation, and I see someone I like, and invite them for a ride in my popemobile... :p

But seriously, I do go out, as well as look on the internet. Trust me, my methods are good enough. There are women out there, it's not like I am in the Australian outback or something.

Maybe I am just too picky? Not as charming as I think I am? Too worked up with love to actually BE in love? Am I objectifying women? Rushing? I don't think I am, but I always could be wrong.

Oh, and one last thing: I find this objective assessment of my love life embarassing!
Click to expand...

How many women do you actually talk with when you go out? What do you talk about?
 
Well, lessee

My spouse and I were both "confirmed bachelors" who people were convinced would never ever get involved, let alone marry.

We met each other by getting into an argument on netnews, just after it came into existance.

We still act a lot like kids. It's been, err, um, 18 (19?) years married, and, um, like 22 together.

That's just one data point.
 
Interesting that this thread is called "FEAR (in big letters) of ever getting married". Why "fear"? If you fear it but you want it, then you don't seem to know what it is about marriage that is causing you such angst.

Can I suggest you either try harder, or stop trying. One leads to success by means of determination and exhaustive search, the other to success by happy circumstance. Either way, you have a higher success rate, but just don't go looking about with a jaundiced eye and discarding what you find by being too critical.

Remember, you are looking for a GOOD match, not a perfect match. No-one will be "perfect" for you.

As for long-term, I'm willing to bet that no married couples here, including those with kids, has had the perfect life together. As well as the good stuff, there are ups and downs (including double entendres) to negotiate, and compromises to be made. Kids are not always angels either, but at least if you want to promote your own genes, they are the way forward...

That's life, I'm afraid! Why not be in it? It's much better than the alternative...
 
TO Keneke:

TO quote Hugh Jackman (his philosophy on this I whole-heartedly agree with)

"To know when you are ready and have found the right person, you have to be single. You have to be happy being single. And I don't mean content. YOu have to be THRILLED to be single. When you find a person who makes you even happier than that, THAT'S when you are ready."

I have been happily married for 5 years using that philosophy.
 
Keneke said:
Plenty. And we small talk.
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Well, I'm trying to get some objective facts here. About how many is "plenty". And what do you mean by "small talk" -- do you talk about the weather and the quality of the music in the bar? Or what?

In general, small talk is fine as a start. But telling stories about yourself that make her laugh, etc. can improve her impression of you.
 
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