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Faviorate Rodney Dangerfeild jokes.

My great-grandfather was stupid, too. During the Civil War, he fought for the West!
 
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
 
Rodney: When I was a kid, my family was poor, very poor. We were so poor we couldn't afford tinsel for the Christmas tree. We had to wait for Grandpa to sneeze!

(Audience moans)

Rodney: Oh, no, that's a FUNNY line, don't give me that bull****!
 
my wife wanted to have sex in the back seat of the car...while I drove!

I had it rough growing up, when I took my first step my dad tripped me.
 
Now that I'm old, sex makes me tired. I can hardly hold up the magazine.
 
I was an ugly kid. On Halloween, my father told me to put a pair of underwear on my head and go as an ass!

One night, I was making love to my wife, and she yawned. I said, "What's the matter? Can't you think of anyone else, either?"

You know what "class" is? It's when you're alone and you f*rt, and you say, "Excuse me."

I called my doctor and told him that I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a couple of drinks and get some rest!
 
I asked a cabbie, "Where can you get a little action in this town?" He took me to MY house!
 
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now."
 
I went to a Chinese restaurant, and when I opened up my fortune cookie, inside was the check for the guy sitting next to me!

I said to him, "Hey, buddy, I got your check!"

He said, "Thanks!"
 
I went to a doctor, and he told me "I was crazy".

I told him "I want a second opinion"

The doc said "You're ugly too" ......


Charlie (might be Henny Youngman) Monoxide
 
[Discussing people who are very soft-spoken] You read about these guys in the paper: one day, they pick up an axe and wipe out the entire family!

And the cops come around and ask, "Hey, what went on here? What kind of man was he?"

"He was a quiet man. A very quiet man."
 
I was kidnapped once. The kidnappers cut off the end of my pinky and sent it to my parents.

My father asked for more proof.
 
I have not been feeling good at all! I'll tell ya.

I went to the doctor the other day and he said "You've got six months to live".

So, I said "I want a second opinion".

So he said, "OK; you're ugly too!".

:D
 
Why, just the other day, I saw my kid and the milkman going to a "Father and Son" dinner....
 
My wife likes to talk to me during sex. The other day, she called me from the motel.
 
My mother didn't breastfeed me. She said she'd prefer to think of me as a friend.

Michael
 
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