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Dumbest Bible Verses

Johnny Pneumatic

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J
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We've had threads on horrible bible verses, contradiction, the writers's ignorance of the world around them(flat earth, stars falling from heaven, mythological creatures etc.) Lets have a Stupid Verse thread. Here is my first one; it must be one of the most oxymoronic things ever put down in writing.

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
 
If we have to post bible verses that are neither horrible, nor contradictions, and do not show the writer's ignorance of the world around them, what is left?

What about this non sequitur?

For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.
1 Cor. 11, 6
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Maybe I'm just a little dense at the moment, I'm not getting it.
I don't think it's saying if you are already shaven to then cover yourself but "if you want to keep your hair then keep it covered"
or something. But if you have long hair what do you need a cover for? My head hurts now; stupid biblical wording.
 
Here are some verses that pertain to the cold-blooded murder of children:

Genesis 22:2: And [the Lord] said, "Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of."

Exodus 11:4-5: And Moses said, "Thus saith the LORD, 'About midnight will I go out into the midst of Egypt, and all the firstborn in the land of Egypt shall die....'" (other verses pertain to this slaughter as well)

Numbers 16:27-32: ... And Dathan and Abiram came out, and stood in the door of their tents, and their wives, and their sons, and their little children. And Moses said, "Hereby ye shall know that the LORD hath sent me to do all these works...." And it came to pass, as he had made an end of speaking all these words, that the ground clave asunder that was under them, and the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods.

Numbers 31:15-18: And Moses said unto them, "Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves."

Deut. 2:34: And we took all his cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little ones, of every city, we left none to remain....

Deut. 3:6: And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city.

Joshua 6:21, 8:26, 10:28-40, among many others: Joshua slays the entire populations of cities upon the Lord's command.

1 Sam. 15:3: [The Lord said,] "Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass." Side note: This command was given by the Lord to Saul, and the Lord was angry because Saul disobeyed it. Saul killed all the women and children and babies and all of the men, except one, the king. Saul also spared some of the best animals temporarily, intending to kill them later as sacrifices. The prophet Samuel set out to fix things by taking the Amalekite king, who was unarmed and presenting no resistance, and hacking him to pieces with a sword.

2 Kings 2:23-24: And he [Elisha] went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, "Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head." And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

Psalms 137:9: Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

This is a partial list. Interestingly, there are many who cite Bible verses in support of the view that the Almighty is opposed to abortion. It is notable that there are far fewer verses opposed to abortion than there are specifically condoning the murder of infants. Also, the verses that supposedly oppose abortion require some creative interpretation, while the verses supporting the murder of children are quite explicit and do not require such a degree of creative interpretation.
 
I always seemed to like this one:

In Genesis chapter 30, the Genesis author tells of Jacob's scheme to increase his wealth while he was still in the employ of his father-in-law Laban. The Jacob and Laban had reached an agreement whereby Jacob would be given all striped, spotted, and speckled lambs and kids subsequently born in Laban's flocks. Laban then removed all the striped, spotted, and speckled animals from his flocks and put them in his sons' care at a three-day distance from the flock Jacob attended. Not to be outsmarted, Jacob devised a plan:
Then Jacob took fresh rods of poplar and almond and plane, and peeled white streaks in them, exposing the white of the rods. He set the rods that he had peeled in front of the flocks in the troughs, that is, the watering places, where the flocks came to drink. And since they bred when they came to drink, the flocks bred in front of the rods, and so the flocks produced young that were striped, speckled, and spotted (30:37-39, NRSV).
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We know today that the color characteristics of animals is purely a matter of genetics, so a modern, scientifically-educated person would never write anything as obviously superstitious as this tale of Jacob's prosperity. The Genesis writer(s), however, knew nothing about the science of genetics, so to him the story undoubtedly made good sense.

Note: The editors of The New American Bible were reputable enough to affix a frankly honest footnote to this passage:
Jacob's stratagem was based on the widespread notion among simple people that visual stimuli can have prenatal effects on the offspring of breeding animals. Thus, the rods on which Jacob had whittled stripes or bands or chevron marks were thought to cause the female goats that looked at them to bear kids with lighter-colored marks on their dark hair, while the gray ewes were thought to bear lambs with dark marks on them simply by visual crossbreeding with the dark goats.
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David and the "evil spirit from God"

(1 Sam 16:23 NRSV) And whenever the *evil spirit from God* came upon Saul, David took the lyre and played it with his hand, and Saul would be relieved and feel better, and the evil spirit would depart from him.

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Isaiah, one of the great prophets of the bible, is said to have walked around naked for three years.

(Isa 20:3 NRSV) Then the LORD said, "Just as my servant Isaiah has walked *naked and barefoot* for three years as a sign and a portent against Egypt and Ethiopia,

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The daughters of Lot supposedly trick their father into having sex with both of them by getting him drunk twice.

(Gen 19:31-35 NRSV) And the firstborn said to the younger, "Our father is old, and there is not a man on earth to come in to us after the manner of all the world.

Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, so that we may preserve offspring through our father."

So they made their father drink wine that night; and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; he did not know when she lay down or when she rose.

On the next day, the firstborn said to the younger, "Look, I lay last night with my father; let us make him drink wine tonight also; then you go in and lie with him, so that we may preserve offspring through our father."

So they made their father drink wine that night also; and the younger rose, and lay with him; and he did not know when she lay down or when she rose.

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The bible claims that a wall fell on 27,000 Aramean soldiers.

(1 Ki 20:28 NRSV) ...therefore I will give all this great multitude into your hand, and you shall know that I am the LORD."

(1 Ki 20:29 NRSV) They encamped opposite one another seven days. Then on the seventh day the battle began; the Israelites killed one hundred thousand Aramean foot soldiers in one day.

(1 Ki 20:30 NRSV) The rest fled into the city of Aphek; and the wall fell on twenty-seven thousand men that were left. ...

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In the bible, out of all of the animals of the earth God and Adam searched and couldn't find a "partner" for Adam.

(Gen 2:20-21 NRSV) The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every animal of the field; but for the man there was not found a helper as his partner. So the LORD God caused...

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Solomon's temple is exaggerated.

It was 90 ft long, 30 ft wide, and 45 ft high (1 Ki 6:2)

About twice the cubic footage of an average 2 story house.

For a small structure It took 183,300 men 7 years to build it. (1 Kings 5:13-16)(1 Kings 6:38)

Into it supposedly went 9,200,000 lbs of Gold and 92,000,000 lbs of Silver. (1 Chron 22:14)

Note: Archaeologists can't find it anywhere...

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The bible says that "zombies" arose and walked around the streets of Jerusalem after the resurrection.

(Mat 27:50 NRSV) Then Jesus cried again with a loud voice and breathed his last.

(Mat 27:52 NRSV) The tombs also were opened, and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised.

(Apparently they just sat there for 3 days until after the resurrection)

(Mat 27:53 NRSV) After his resurrection they came out of the tombs and entered the holy city and appeared to many.
 
I dunno, but I always found most of the things supposedly said by Jesus to be pretty dumb and wisecracky.

Just a random example:

Mar 10:29 And Jesus answered and said, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the gospel's,
10:30 But he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the world to come eternal life.
 
SkepticJ said:
Who would want 101 mothers, sisters and children?
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Especially if you have to hate them. Which is another dumb thing said by the NT-wisecrack.

 
I had a nice little thread about that until ceo_esq poo pooed it and lifegazer derailed it into another one of his crap spews.
 
SkepticJ said:
I had a nice little thread about that until ceo_esq poo pooed it and lifegazer derailed it into another one of his crap spews.
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Yeah, I remember. I participated as well. ;)

Luk 14:26 If any [man] come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

Now the original text says "miseo" which means accordings to the Blueletterbible:

1) to hate, pursue with hatred, detest
2) to be hated, detested


If you for Jesus' sake leave those things behind that he told you to hate, you will be rewarded with even more of the things that you are supposed to hate. Great!

 
Genesis 25, 24 to 34:

24Â_Â_Â_And when her days to be delivered were fulfilled, behold, there were twins in her womb.
25Â_Â_Â_And the first came out red, all over like an hairy garment; and they called his name Esau.
26Â_Â_Â_And after that came his brother out, and his hand took hold on Esau's heel; and his name was called Jacob: and Isaac was threescore years old when she bare them.
27Â_Â_Â_And the boys grew: and Esau was a cunning hunter, a man of the field; and Jacob was a plain man, dwelling in tents.
28Â_Â_Â_And Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison: but Rebekah loved Jacob.
29Â_Â_Â_And Jacob sod pottage: and Esau came from the field, and he was faint:
30Â_Â_Â_And Esau said to Jacob, Feed me, I pray thee, with that same red pottage; for I am faint: therefore was his name called Edom.
31Â_Â_Â_And Jacob said, Sell me this day thy birthright.
32Â_Â_Â_And Esau said, Behold, I am at the point to die: and what profit shall this birthright do to me?
33Â_Â_Â_And Jacob said, Swear to me this day; and he sware unto him: and he sold his birthright unto Jacob.
34Â_Â_Â_Then Jacob gave Esau bread and pottage of lentiles; and he did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright.

This is what people did before they had television, I guess.
 
Mentioned once already, but worth a repeat.
137:1
By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, yea, we wept, when we remembered Zion.

137:2
We hanged our harps upon the willows in the midst thereof.

137:3
For there they that carried us away captive required of us a song; and they that wasted us required of us mirth, saying, Sing us one of the songs of Zion.

137:4
How shall we sing the LORD's song in a strange land?

137:5
If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning.

137:6
If I do not remember thee, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth; if I prefer not Jerusalem above my chief joy.

137:7
Remember, O LORD, the children of Edom in the day of Jerusalem; who said, Rase it, rase it, even to the foundation thereof.

137:8
O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us.

137:9
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
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The really scary thing is that they have taken the first verse of this one and made it into a "Christian rock" song. They never sing the last line though.
 
Oh boy, what fun!

Here's the pi=3 verse:
"And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, ... and a line of thirty cubits did compass it round about." (1 Kings 7:23)

And the classic God vs. Tank battle:
"And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." (Judges 1:19)

I have no idea what this means, but it sounds really kinky:
"My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him." (Songs 5:4)
 
I have no idea what this means, but it sounds really kinky:
"My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him." (Songs 5:4) [/B]
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I think that refers to a female orgasm. Either that or some very weird feces fetish.
 
The story of "Balaam And His Talking Ass" is one of the weirdest and stupidest stories ever put to paper.

But it has a great title. When you mention Balaam's talking ass, grade school kids all start to snicker.

The story appears in the 22nd chapter of Numbers.

The story starts with the King of the Moabites sending messengers to Balaam, asking Balaam to curse the Israelites. Apparently Balaam was pretty good at cursing, so if Balaam chose to curse the Israelites, the curse could actually do some damage. But Balaam said, "Let me talk to the Lord about it."

God told Balaam, "Do NOT go with these men, and do not curse the Israelites." Balaam then told the messengers what the Lord had said.

So the king of the Moabites, thinking that the matter was negotiable, sent even more prestigious messsengers to Balaam, and promised him anything if he would just give one little curse. Balaam said, "I've already told you, the Lord says no. But ... let me take it up with the Lord again."

This time, God gave Balaam a different command: "GO with these guys, and give them my message." So Balaam, in obedience to the word of the Lord, saddled his ass (snicker) and went with the messengers.

And as a result, the Lord got mad!

The Lord sent an angel to stand in Balaam's way. Balaam couldn't see the angel, but the ass could, and the ass refused to stay on the road. Now it was Balaam's turn to get mad, and he beat his own ass (giggle).

"What's the big idea?" demanded the ass. "Haven't I always been a really good ass??" (guffaw) Balaam, instead of being astonished that the beast of burden spoke, got into a little argument with his ass.

The Lord decided to let Balaam see the angel, and Balaam said to the angel, "Oh, now I see! You DIDN'T want me to go! I have sinned! I should not have come! Obviously, I have angered the Lord by going with these men, so I will turn around and go home."

But the angel of the Lord said, "GO with the men: and give them my message."

So to summarize:
Balaam asks the Lord: "Should I go?"
The Lord says: "Don't go."
Balaam doesn't go.
Balaam asks the Lord again: "Should I go?"
This time the Lord says: "Go."
Balaam goes.
The Lord gets mad because Balaam goes, and sends an angel to stop him.
Balaam says, "Oh, you didn't want me to go."
The Lord says, "No, I want you to go."

As Steve Allen puts it, what was the point of the talking-ass story??

Balaam eventually disappoints the king of the Moabites by refusing to curse the Israelites. The Lord is pleased, for the moment anyway. Later, Moses made war against the Midianites, and the Israelites slew Balaam in the process, apparently intentionally (Numbers 31:8). And now you know... the rest of the story.
 
In Judges 11:30-40 it has a story where a guy named Jephthah vows to the Lord that if he delivers the people of Ammon into his hands, he will give to him as a burnt offering whatever comes out of his door when he returns from the people of Ammon.

After defeating the people of Ammon from Aroer as far as Minnith and to Abel Keramim, with a very great slaughter, Jephthah returned home and as he approached his house, his only child, his daughter, came out to meet him.

Due to his vow to the Lord, Jephthah's daughter had to remain a virgin for the rest of her life.

I think it's really sad that she had to remain a virgin for the rest of her life.
 
JAR said:
Due to his vow to the Lord, Jephthah's daughter had to remain a virgin for the rest of her life.

I think it's really sad that she had to remain a virgin for the rest of her life.
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It wasn't too hard to get away with not being a virgin. Heck, one of those ancient Hebrew women had a kid and to this day millions of people are willing to swear up and down she was still a virgin.
 
The law of jealosies from the book of Numbers, chapter 5. Hold onto your hat:

Suppose a man thinks that his wife has been fooling around with another guy, but there are no witnesses. What should he do?

Why, he shall take his wife to the friendly neighborhood priest (along with an offering, of course). What will the priest do? Why, he will take some dust off the floor and mix it in water and make the woman drink it.

He also utters some mumbo-jumbo about the water causing a curse, which basically boils down to this: if the woman is innocent, there will be no curse; but if the woman is guilty, the curse will go into her bowels, and make her belly swell and thigh rot. (Some have suggested that the "curse" is a miscarriage, and that the purpose of this ritual is to induce an abortion.)

Then the priest makes the woman drink the water and they all sit around waiting to see if her belly swells and thigh rots. If it does, she's guilty. If not, she's innocent.

And the best part about all this is that the husband bears no guilt whatsoever by accusing his wife (even if the accusation is false) or in forcing her to drink the filthy water. If the woman is innocent, there's no harm done.
 
Brown said:
...

Then the priest makes the woman drink the water and they all sit around waiting to see if her belly swells and thigh rots. If it does, she's guilty. If not, she's innocent.

And the best part about all this is that the husband bears no guilt whatsoever by accusing his wife (even if the accusation is false) or in forcing her to drink the filthy water. If the woman is innocent, there's no harm done.
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That seems like an OK arrangement all around. Afterall what are the chances that drinking a glass of mud will make your thigh rot?
 
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