Did I do enough?

[jmcvann]

I received a Facebook message from a friend of my downstairs neighbor this morning asking if I would check on him because she hadn't heard from him in a while. Long story short: my landlord let me in the apartment and I found him dead in his bedroom, a plastic bag over his head.

I did not see this coming. Not even a little bit. He was always laughing and cheerful. But now I can't stop wondering what else I could have done. We were both fairly solitary people. We spoke mostly in the hall, or on the back porch when one of us would find the other already out there. He was 15 years younger than me, so we didn't hang out together. But maybe if I had gone for a drink with him now again. Or if I just knocked on his door more often.

I'm finding it difficult to write coherently as my head is still spinning over this. Can anyone guide me to a resource to help me deal with the guilt I'm feeling over this? My rational mind is telling me that this clearly isn't my fault, but still...it's just freaking me out.

 

[Jeff Wagg]

Short answer... YES.

Using your own words... you didn't see this coming. As soon as you had your first inkling there could be a problem, you investigated and sadly, found that this person had decided to end their life.

When someone near us (even just by proximity) commits suicide, it's normal to feel guilty and start asking the "if only" questions. But the main fact is... this person decided to do this. THEY did it. You don't know why, and you never will. There is NOTHING you could have done to prevent this. No one in your situation could have.

That said, there's still an emotional toll, and it shouldn't be ignored. I urge you to call 1-800-SUICIDE and talk to a counselor there. Contrary to popular belief, the number is not just for suicide. They're there to talk to ANYONE in an anonymous and non-judgmental fashion about anything that's on their mind. It's a free call, no one will know you made it, and it can make a world of difference.

Please give it a try. It is the "more" that you could do.

I'm terribly sorry you went through this.

You're also free to join us in the unofficial JREF chat room at http://www.skepticsrock.com. You will be very welcome there.

 

[Chicken Pot Pie]

jmcvann

 

[Soapy Sam]

There is another thread active about suicide as a rational option.

Personally, I do see it as a rational option.
I can't comment on this case as I didn't know your neighbour, but even the supposition that this is a "sad" event is a comment. I don't know that it was sad. The man made a hard decision for his own reasons and went through with it. This I must respect.

But that's a side issue.

His problems, of whatever nature, are ended.
Yours must be dealt with. You are in shock. For the next few days- or longer, only you can judge- you may find yourself doing all manner of forgetful or stupid things. Your mind may not be able to concentrate. Avoid stressful or complex situations- such as driving in fast traffic.
Be methodical. Write things down. Did you lock the door? Turn the gas off?

Avoid being alone too much. Call a friend or relative and find some company. If nothing else is available, go to a bar and talk to the barman. Have a drink in memoriam, but don't get drunk.
Take care of yourself. What happened may have happened for any number of reasons, none of which you had any impact on. He could have knocked on your door and offered to buy you a beer. He didn't. Respect his reasons.

I hope people will keep bumping this thread for the next week , because you need to talk to people about this and (I suspect like many of us) this forum is where you meet friends.

ETA- And yes, do phone that number Jeff gave. As in anything, experience counts and these people have experience of such events.

 

[Flo]

I received a Facebook message from a friend of my downstairs neighbor this morning asking if I would check on him because she hadn't heard from him in a while. Long story short: my landlord let me in the apartment and I found him dead in his bedroom, a plastic bag over his head.

I did not see this coming. Not even a little bit. He was always laughing and cheerful. But now I can't stop wondering what else I could have done. We were both fairly solitary people. We spoke mostly in the hall, or on the back porch when one of us would find the other already out there. He was 15 years younger than me, so we didn't hang out together. But maybe if I had gone for a drink with him now again. Or if I just knocked on his door more often.

I'm finding it difficult to write coherently as my head is still spinning over this. Can anyone guide me to a resource to help me deal with the guilt I'm feeling over this? My rational mind is telling me that this clearly isn't my fault, but still...it's just freaking me out.

We all feel guilt in such a case. But the point is nobody sees it coming, especially from someone who, by your own description, was always laughing and cheerful.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You talked to him when the occasion arised, you didn't avoid him. He didn't ask anything from you. When asked, you obviously did care enough for him to go check on him.

Please follow Jeff Wagg's suggestions, you need help and comfort.

Here's a for you ....

 

[Professor Yaffle]

I'm really sorry you have had such an awful experience; I agree with others that you should talk to someone about it rather than have this going round and round inside your head.

My husband went through a slightly similar experience with someone he worked with. He knew that he had been going through a difficult time, and had talked with him about it, but then he seemed a lot better and said the problems had been resolved. A few weeks later he hanged himself. If my husband is anything to go by, you really do need some support through this.