Canada is invading Minnesota!

[Denise]

If you are reading this, please send help. Communications have been knocked out in Duluth. Apparently too many of our forces are concentrating on Iraq leaving border states defenseless. It has been reported a minute or so ago that two children in Duluth have been beaten to death with hockey sticks by the Canadian invaders. Please send help as soon as possible.

 

[UnrepentantSinner]

Denise it's worse than we'd feared.

Apparently the CBC has hijacked the airwaves and is playing nothing but reruns of Degrassi Juniour High and documentaries by Dr. David Suzuki.

 

[Denise]

Where is Jedi Knight when we need him? Damn! Help us!

 

[Lisa]

Sorry, in self-defence South Dakota has just closed I-90.

 

[clk]

Turn on CNN!! Bush just ordered all of the troops out of Iraq...they're heading for Canada now, specifically Montreal, since they speak French there!

 

[Denise]

Lisa! We need you! Can you handle all the Minnesota refugees? They need food and beer!

Please America help us! The Canadian forces have now taken over the entire city of Duluth. They control the port on Lake Superior! We cannot get any food in through the port as they are using it to import really bad Canadian beer. Did you hear that Lisa? Help us!

I had to turn the TV off. They have been blasting Oh Canada over and over! Help us!

 

[Brown]

The first wave, it was...

(sob)

Oh, God, it was horrible.

It was geese. A flock of geese. Canadian geese. Loud, obnoxious geese that kept us from sleeping and that crapped all over our cars. Oh, the shock. Oh, the awe.

For the love of all that is holy, why does the Geneva Convention not condemn such air strikes?

And then came the leaflets. Oh Christ, the leaflets. They were half written in a foreign language (perhaps French) and they urged us to "Take off, eh?"

 

[WildCat]

Peter Arnett has just been hired by the CBC.
Geraldo Rivera (traveling w/ the Canadian Army) has just reported that the Minnesota invasion is a ruse - the real goal is Detroit, they are after the Stanley Cup.

 

[Denise]

Peter Arnett has just been hired by the CBC.
Geraldo Rivera (traveling w/ the Canadian Army) has just reported that the Minnesota invasion is a ruse - the real goal is Detroit, they are after the Stanley Cup.

That is a lie. There is a Canadian Marine in my kitchen right now! He is saying "Eh, is there anything to eat here?" I am so scared! Help me! My daughter is learning the words to Oh Canada as I type. Help me, help Lorelei! Help us!

 

[Walter Wayne]

Those two children may have been killed with American hockeys sticks, which are inferior to the Canadian precision hockey sticks. There is currently an investigation to determine who was responsible for the childrens deaths.

We do not seek to harm you, only to remove Pawlenty from power. Once he is removed we will leave. Rise up against him and this will all be over with quickly. But rest assured, we will be there as long as it takes.

It has also been noted that helmets have been delivered from South Dakota. It is in the best of interest of that government to close its borders to shipments. Be aware that there are consequenses to what you are doing.

Also, in as liberators we will be bringing food and beer to Minnesotans as soon as we are able to secure cities, and relief operations can handout poutine and microbrew in safety.

Jean

 

[Lisa]

Good news! Just off the phone. The Happy Rimrock Tavern and the Moonshine Gulch Saloon are both donating relief supplies.

 

[Denise]

Walter Wayne, how does one surrender? I don't want to be shot, but damn, I need beer. I love Canadians! All of them!

 

[Denise]

Good news! Just off the phone. The Happy Rimrock Tavern and the Moonshine Gulch Saloon are both donating relief supplies.

Thank God someone is handling the refugee crisis. Tell me, do they have lutefisk for us?

 

[Walter Wayne]

They control the port on Lake Superior! We cannot get any food in through the port as they are using it to import really bad Canadian beer.

I swear, really bad Canadian beer is the closest we could find to American beer. I will have the Ministry of Defense look into creating a culturally sensitive relief effort. We may have to cycle the beer through a Canadian Navy Officer in order to make it taste like the beer you are used to.

Jean

 

[Lisa]

Thank God someone is handling the refugee crisis. Tell me, do they have lutefisk for us?

Glad you brought that up. There is a small problem with the refugees. The general feeling is that we already have too many people around here who say "you betcha" way too much. We may be able to locate you somewhere around the state captiol Pierre, and soon as someone figures out it's location.
And no one around here even knows what lutefisk is. You'll have to bring your own.

 

[WildCat]

Thank God someone is handling the refugee crisis. Tell me, do they have lutefisk for us?

No, but a whole kiddy pool filled w/ glug is on the way..

 

[Bjorn]

Thank God someone is handling the refugee crisis. Tell me, do they have lutefisk for us?

You're mixing up the countries - Norway is not invading! Yet!

But we will send some food rations, including rakfisk which smells even worse ...

 

[Brown]

Thank God someone is handling the refugee crisis. Tell me, do they have lutefisk for us?

And melted butter?

Screw this refugee nonsense if they don't have melted butter.

Oh, and the little bone trays, too.

 

[Denise]

You're mixing up the countries - Norway is not invading! Yet!

But we will send some food rations, including rakfisk which smells even worse ...

As most of us are of Scandanavian descent we have been forced to eat lutefisk and aquire a taste for it. We demand lutefisk!

 

[Bjorn]

As most of us are of Scandanavian descent we have been forced to eat lutefisk and aquire a taste for it. We demand lutefisk!

Sorry, the best I can do is Akevitt, and you have to imagine the rest .....