Brown
Penultimate Amazing
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- Aug 3, 2001
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Here's a story linked to by The Huffington Post:
Canada to Become Part of United States
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced today that Canada will join the United States, effective New Year’s Day, 2011.
The White House confirmed that an agreement in principle had reached under which Canada and the United States would unite as a single nation.
President Barack Obama is expected to make an official announcement of the unification today at 11:00 a.m. Eastern time.
Harper’s announcement, made shortly after midnight, said that each of Canada’s eleven provinces would vote on whether to join the United States. All except Quebec are expected to vote in favor of unification.
Momentous Events
According to Canadian and US diplomatic sources, negotiations for unification had been in the works for nearly five decades, but three recent "momentous" events prompted the two nations to come to agreement.
The first momentous event was the election of Barack Obama as the 44th president of the United States. Canadians see Obama as an intelligent and articulate leader who shares many Canadian values.
The second momentous event was the recent economic downturn, which has affected both the US and Canada. Many in Canada feel that the US is "pulling Canada down," and feel that it is important to have a say in directing the US economy.
The third momentous event, one virtually unnoticed in the US, was a constitutional crisis in Canada, in which Harper averted a collapse of his government by appealing to the representative of the Queen of England, who is Canada’s current head of state.
Sources say that although Harper avoided his own ouster from office, he risked fracturing the country. Harper therefore approached Obama shortly after Obama’s election, and proposed unification to mend the fractures in Canada.
Unification Proposed in 1963
Unification of Canada and the US was first proposed in May of 1963, during the administrations of President John F. Kennedy and Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson. Four years earlier, the United States had added Alaska and Hawaii as States. President Kennedy felt that adding Canada as a part of the United States would enable deployment of early warning radars that would deter nuclear missile attacks from the then-existing Soviet Union.
Unification talks were carried on in secret until November of 1963, when President Kennedy was assassinated.
The subject was raised and tabled many times in the succeeding years. In 1977, the Toronto Blue Jays baseball team joined Major League Baseball’s "American League," and it was expected that unification would follow. Unfortunately, when President Jimmy Carter proposed that the US adopt the metric system, public reaction was overwhelmingly negative, and the proposal was dropped. Canada went on and adopted the metric system, and the USA did not.
In 1983, the idea surfaced again when President Ronald Reagan mistakenly said that he thought Canada was a part of the United States.
President Bill Clinton raised the unification question with Prime Minister Jean Chrétien in 2000. The election of George W. Bush as President stifled progress of the talks, however. In addition to irregularities associated with Bush's election, Canadians were strongly opposed to Bush's pre-emptive attack upon a nation that had not committed any overt acts of aggression. With regard to the quality of a national leader, Canadians preferred a putz to a nincompoop, and so elected Stephen Harper.
After Harper approached Obama in late 2008, Obama decided to look seriously into unification as a way to implement universal health care in the US, thereby fulfilling one of his campaign promises.
Each Nation Benefits
Although details are yet to be worked out, it is expected that each nation will experience substantial benefits from the union.
The United States is expected to get universal health care. Current proposals favour a blended system that combines the benefits of the current Canadian and US systems.
Canada is expected to receive easier access to US goods and enhanced currency stability.
The United States will acquire northern lands that are expected to be areas for population expansion as global warming sets in.
Canadians will receive the right to call themselves "Americans," despite the fact that Canada has always been a part of North America.
The US will receive the continued services of Canadian Kiefer Sutherland, who plays Jack Bauer on the television series "24," and who has saved the hindquarters of the USA more times than most people can count.
Canada and the US will accept equal blame for the careers of William Shatner, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey and Morley Safer. Canada and the US will accept equal credit for the careers of Elisha Cuthbert and Mia Kirshner.
Queen Reacts
Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II had no official response to the announcement. Palace insiders, however, report that the Queen uttered "Bloody hell" when the story was read to her.
The Queen, whose likeness appears on all Canadian coins and on the Canadian twenty-dollar bill, will be removed from all Canadian currency beginning in 2011. Features of Canadian currency, such as hockey players, beavers and polar bears, are expected to appear upon on the unified currency, along with the likenesses of notable Canadians, most of whom are utterly unknown to US citizens.
Some Changes Expected Quickly
Informed sources say that all provinces will continue to retain their names, except Prince Edward Island, which is expected to be renamed "East Dakota."
Stephen Harper, assuming he remains Prime Minister until 2011, will be given a new cabinet post in the Obama administration and will be one of the officials responsible for a smooth unification.
Starting immediately, the US will begin putting a second "u" in the word "humor," adopting the Canadian spelling, "humour."
