A new baby.

A_Feeble_Mind

Thinker
A_Feeble_Mind
Joined
Jun 26, 2002
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218
I am a new parent and have a question regarding my reaction to my new baby. When she cries, instead of feeling pity and wanting to make her feel better, I feel angry and want her just to stop. I know it isn't rational and that she isn't doing anything on purpose and I am looking for suggestions or resources that would perhaps help me adjust my feelings. I do really love her, but it confuses me that I don't have the same degree of patience as my wife. Any constructive comments are appreciated, but, please, I don't need a brow beating. :)
 
I'm impressed that you have the courage to admit this. I'm sure that if I had a baby I would feel exactly the same way, but I'd probably try to keep my feelings to myself and hide my anger so people wouldn't think I was a bad parent.

Sorry I don't have any advice. Never been there.
 
QuarkChild said:
I'm impressed that you have the courage to admit this. I'm sure that if I had a baby I would feel exactly the same way, but I'd probably try to keep my feelings to myself and hide my anger so people wouldn't think I was a bad parent.

Sorry I don't have any advice. Never been there.
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Thanks for your response. It is helpful to know that there is at least one other person who speculates that they might feel this way. :)

I don't really want to have to hide my feelings; I want to address whatever issue is causing them and have nice, happy, fluffy feelings instead.

And, I pretty much am concerned that people will view me as a bad parent, but at least here I have a pseudonym and will not have to deal with condescending looks. :)
 
I know nothing.

But once I took care of my niece when she was still potty training. For some reasons she was crying and crying. She cried all the way to the potty. She cried on the potty. She cried and cried. I looked at her and I said, "When you cry, you make me sad." She looked at me with soggy eyes, but she stopped crying. I haven't told her yet, but I owe her a great debt for this single moment in her life.

I know nothing. BUT...
In your life, you will get many, many more moments like the one I describe. You are a lucky man.
 
My only advice is just try to be as patient as possible, and if you are feeling overwhelmed then try to find some quiet time. I used to dissappear into the bathroom with a book when my kids were small. I was never gone for long, but it was long enough to get my breath back, and I was still close enough to hear if anything was going wrong.

I believe that this feeling will pass as you get more adjusted to the new baby. It is a lot of work, emotionally and physically, to have a new born, and it can be very tiring as you are missing sleep. Try to get some extra rest when you can.

Please know that how you are feeling is not unnatural, and that you are not the only parent to feel that way about your beloved child. Nor does it make you a bad parent to feel this way, and I find it admirable that you are willing to admit to this. I probably wouldn't.

Also, try to find a parent group. They can often give you advice and be a support to you as well.

And last but not least, congratulations on your new little one. You now only have to worry incessantly for the next 60 years or so. :-)
 
Totally normal (especially for men) I know my husband has def felt like that, and I also know he loves the kids dearly.

I've always felt that it's better to let the child cry a bit when you are overwhelmed than to stay.
As long as the child is fed, changed and safe you can safely step away for five minutes to calm down.
Tense and angry parents (which we all are sometimes) make an upset child more upset!

All normal, and congrats on your baby.

ps You're a great dad.
 
Thank you. You people rock. :) I think that that is exactly what I needed to hear (or....er...read?)

And thanks for the congrats. Throughout the pregnancy, I kept thinking about all the fun times and fun things I would be able to do with my child, but she always was a little bit older in my day dreams. Heh. :p
 
Yes, it's perfectly normal to feel that way. You recognized that it's not a good thing for you to feel that way, or act on that feeling. Unfortunately, there are lots of people who feel like that and act on those feelings. Not good.

I don't think you mentioned whether or not you were alone with the baby when you have those feelings of anger and frustration. If you have family or friends who live close by, try to let them have some time with the baby while you take time for yourself. Get out of the house and walk/run/drive for awhile. As you gain more confidence (and hopefully get some more sleep!), things will get better. Hang in there.
 
Your feelings of anger are understandable. My son is the same way about his siblings. He unconsciouly feels that she is doing it to annoy him. He is a kid and believes that. You are an adult and are confused because you recognize that the baby is not trying to annoy you.

The one thing that helped me when I was tired and less patient was to repeat over and over to myself how the baby must be feeling something that makes her cry. Whether it be that she is also tired, or hungry, or uncomfortable. Also to remember that it is the baby's only form of communication. The baby also has no idea that it causes any sort of reaction from you. It's only intention is to get help for something that it does not understand or cannot fix itself.

We all know that, but to keep reminding yourself gets your unconcious annoyed to succomb to reason for the most part. It's weird, but one part of my brain needs to reason the other part down sometimes. At least it gives you something to do besides just wonder about the anger. Tell yourself "anger only hurts the angry". "Anger won't help the baby stop crying". "There's no reason to be angry because the baby just needs something". That way you start focussing on something other than the anger.


I hope that all makes sense.
 
I too dreamed of how great it would be when the baby came...

right...

for the first 3 months I just kind of fed it and thought, "please grow up!" I enjoyed the cuddling and rocking, but both my babies had cries that went right down your spine. And they cried for no apparent reason. With Kitten I remember once putting her down in her crib and begging her "Please stop crying and go to sleep or mommy is going to die!". She wailed louder and I just shook the crib! She actually stopped, but I was shocked. I called my neighbor, the mother of 4 children. She came over and helped me figure out some coping skills. Baby liked the washing machine. Baby liked the swing (I was never going to buy a swing, I was going to rock her), and I liked the babysitter I hired for 2 hours every day so I could just go OUT! I still remember the first day the baby entertained herself for all of 15 minutes. I have a picture of it. I was so thrilled. Then the fun started. Books, interaction, laughter, language. New borns boring, but form 6 months on, great! The baby survived and thrived, and so did I. You may not be a baby person. I'm not. Pool Boy though thinks he's the baby expert. Keep your babies away! He will just grab any baby, and the baby will just LOVE him. Me, I do the toddler - teens just fine, but babies....ick.
 
The advice and the stories are all appreciated. Thanks much! I guess the old adage about misery loving company is true. :)

Something I just discovered today which has already made a world of difference is this baby-sling thing. The biggest problem I had was that she gets so fussy when I try to put her to bed. Now, I can carry her around and still do stuff (she says "hi" ;))
 
Aw! Thanks for letting us know-it's good hear that things improve with experience. Every baby is different too. Just when you think you have things figured out! Keep up the great fathering!
 
Whatever you do - don't shake your baby. I'm sure you know that, but when the opportunity to say it comes up, it's good to mention.
Babies cry and cry and cry some more. If you are upset by it, and it's OKAY to be upset by it - just walk away. There's nothing bad about you if you just put your baby back into the crib and walk away to cool off. And really, sometimes there's just nothing you can do to make a baby happy, so letting them be can be a good idea.
Think, though, how awful you would feel if you couldn't communicate how you felt. Hunger, gas, sleepy, you just didn't know what to do about it. You'd feel awful and cry. It's what they do. Just be so, so glad that your baby doesn't have colic! A colicy baby will make ANYONE nuts, even the most patient mother.

So, my two cents:
if you can't make baby stop, don't stress.
and get yourself a sitter. I was a Nanny and even me just being in the house while the Mom was there was a relief for her. It's nice to have a helping hand.
 
My first was colicky. Then I found Ovol. My other two children were gas bags too, but the Ovol helped it through, and they never had to go through all that pain. Simethicone.

For infants, OVOL Drops provide fast and gentle relief of infant colic, bloating and gas. The Drops quickly break up the gas bubbles to relieve the discomfort of trapped gas, making it easier to burp the baby at feeding time and easier for the baby to pass gas afterward.
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Also is Mylicon, etc.

Gripe water did nothing to help. This other stuff was a saving grace!
 
Only had one myself (OK, Mrs Zep had the baby, technically), but a number of friends and relatives have had little ones too and I can sorta do a comparison.

All babies seem to like to cry a bit anyway when newborn. It's learning what they are crying about that is the tough bit for parents, especially when the kid is just so helpless - can't even scratch themselves if they itch! Food and drink, relief from aches and pains, sleep, staying warm or cool, comfortable clothing, pleasant environment, company of parents - all these are pretty basic requirements. And they will cry if something is not right among these. You just have to work your way through these and make sure they are covered. Sounds like yours may just want to be cuddled!

As mentioned above, after about three or so months, the fun all starts to speed up - more coordinated movements, babbling and "singing" and laughing, concentration and "play", etc. That's when the FUN starts, and Dad gets to be the bestest toy in the world! It's a great feeling - look forward to it!

Have you thought of using a pacifier?
 
Zep said:


Have you thought of using a pacifier?
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My little ones wouldn't take one. I think it's because they were nursed, and the rubber or whatever wasn't appealing to them. I wished they would, and tried all sorts of styles and types. My one year old daughter seems to rely on her bottle now for comfort. It's going to be tough getting bottles away from her.
 
my woo woo neighbor told her 2 year old that Santa didn't bring presents to little boys who used a bottle. Nice...

I wrapped up a bottle and put it under their tree when no one was looking (there are 4 kids so no on noticed an extra present). If you are going to teach your kids about Santa, he should at least be a nice guy.

Turst me, they dont take the bottle to college. Though Kitten took Mr.BUnny Rabbit. In fact all the girls at college seem to have little dolls or stuffed animals that are a bit tattered. Not like my stuffed Koala bear Andre. He still sleeps on my bed but I can now take trips without him.
 
That's cute! We have a 'bye bye bottle' book that we read to my son for a few weeks. Then we had a 'throw away the bottles' party where we put all the bottles in a bag and he helped throw them out. He was over 2 years old. I don't remember it being difficult. I'm hoping it goes as smoothly, but I'm just tired. Can't imagine all that right now. I need to remember how well it went last time.

My daughter hasn't attached to any stuffed animals like I did, and like so many others-including some boys. My son loves his puppy. Aylena just doesn't seem to like stuffed animals. Maybe when she gets more social and recognizes that their faces are cute. It would be easier for her to cuddle a toy at night if she wakes up, rather than searching for that elusive bottle of water.
 
Eos of the Eons said:
My little ones wouldn't take one [pacifier]. I think it's because they were nursed, and the rubber or whatever wasn't appealing to them. I wished they would, and tried all sorts of styles and types. My one year old daughter seems to rely on her bottle now for comfort. It's going to be tough getting bottles away from her.
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Try dipping the pacifier in something they like, like orange juice. Then use it to tickle their mouth so they try to grab it. They will suck on it to get the "flavour" out of it, and after a few times they will not let go quickly (like chewing gum, I suppose).

The next trick that an Italian grandma told us was to put a few drops of masala (a sweet liqueur) on the pacifier if you wanted to make the baby calm down (!!!).

But if your daughter doesn't want it and likes the bottle instead, neh. Kids like the darndest thing!

Incidentally, in Oz we call pacifiers "dummies," and I had to do the translation as I wrote, knowing that my comments would come out REALLY WEIRD for you if I used that word!!!
 
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